Conference Update

I really enjoy free food and free alcohol.

I don't drink all tnat much primarily I've discovered because I like the sweet drinks. HaHa and wine I love wine I love reds, but a good white will do. Cabernet over Chardonnay but either will do. Thanks.

By the way I'm in Boston more for business than pleasure, but please believe I will make it a pleasurable experience.

Yeah, you know how with conferences you sometimes see just the hotel. Because I'm here with some beautiful people, and beautifully people of color I might add, I don't have a problem with staying here.

The only bag thing I misplaced my camera, so have no way to take pics. Tear.

Hopefully I will remember to take notes on things I can blog about.

Be easy folks.

Out of Town

I'm out of town for a conference.

I've been here since Monday night.

Please forgive me for not blogging on the regular.

After today days will start at 6:30 a.m. end near 12:00 a.m. on paper, but hey if I want to hang out after midnight.

Have a great week.

-CNEL


P.S.
Remind me to never check e-mail while away it's like jumping into an abyss and trying to climb out.

Writing

I remember the days when I used to be a poet or atleast I called myself a poet. Life seemed so simple back then. I spent all this weekend with writer's block unable to type much into the word document, steadily hitting backspace, reading things looking for inspiration, listening to music hoping something would resonate.

Then I went back and read some what I used to write. I was such an idealist but also ready, able, and willing to just put pen to paper.

Maybe I need to go old school. Just have a notebook an a pen and go at it.

"Feelings"
by CNEL
Don't you remember yesterday?
Don't you remember the way we kissed?
The way we held each other's hand
The way I looked into your eyes, the way you looked into mine
Can't you feel what I feel?
Can't you hear what I hear?
The kisses to your lips
The kisses to your fingertips
Aren't they what you craved?
Aren't you still feeling the warmth my caresses made?
I wanted you to be my first
I wanted you to show me how love is made
Instead of caring about what made my day
Instead of caring about what I felt
I devoted my mind, body, and soul to connecting to you
I devoted my very being
I knelt down before you extending my hands
I knelt down beside you extending my lips
I put out my tongue
I put out my hand
My love
My love
Our love
Our love
It's what I felt, no what I feel
It's what I felt, no no what I feel

The Main Ingredients
by CNEL
She adds to my spirit as I am able to witness her
constant devotion and abiding faith in a higher power,
She adds to my soul through her being geniune and
authentic,
She adds to my mind by challening me to think in ways
I have never thought before,
She adds to my emotional capacity by daring me to love
and to love hard,
She adds to my physical fortitude for insisting
discipline and respect for both our temples.
These things are the main ingredinets for our pure,
unconditional, and authentic love, which is above all
fair and true.

Words of the Week

Sunday- "We don't have an eternity to realize our dreams, only the time we are here." -Susan L. Taylor

Monday "Mama and I agreed that if I didn't make it [as a baseball player] I'd come back and finish my education. I had no intention of not making it." -Hank Aaron

Tuesday-"Failure to recognize possibilities is the most dangerous and common mistake one can make." - Mae Jemison

Wednesday-"Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands." -Anne Frank

Thursday- "Lack of faith in yourself, in what life will do for you, cuts you off from the good things of the world." - Pristine Bradley

Friday- "Love is a core value. And it is always there as a choice for us to use in our life or not." - Dennis R. Tesdell

Saturday- "As you walk and eat and travel, be where you are. Otherwise you will miss most of your life." -Unknown

Thankful

I know it's the day after Thanksgiving but I decided to say why I am most grateful.

I am most grateful because I have my sanity.

You only have one family, but they often drive you crazy.

So I'm most thankful that I've been home since Wednesday and I still have my sanity.

Next blog likely to come on Sunday once I'm back at school.

Tear, go enjoy the leftovers.

She Shall Be Called

So an earlier post alluded to Eps's trying to prompt me to pursue a certain lady blogger.

Uh not going to happen.

If he ever reveals who the person is the murder rate in Bmore will go one higher.

Truth be told my acting on the "crush" would be me fulfilling one of Eps's fantasises and he'd in effect be living vicariously through me.

You see Eps he has a bigger crush on the lady blogger than I, and you see Eps also has a new fetish "older women".

So since Chris S asked for a nickname for the still unnamed, forbidden lady.

We shall call her "Mrs. Robinson".

Beginnings and Endings

I think all my breaks begin the same way.

Really they do.

Each break begins with me putting off cleaning and packing until the last minute.

We have until 12 noon tomorrow to be gone.

It's just after 1 in the morning as I type this.

For someone whose notoriously underrested this ain't new, but it ain't a good thing.

Even though I'm an R.A. this year I'm going to adhere to the rules. It'll make life easier for my fellow R.A.'s who have to lock all the rooms. If I'm not passed out in the downstairs lobby, maybe I'll help.

I'm only here now cause I had duty "tonight", "last night" whatever you want to call it. We only did two rounds cause this place is mostly empty.

Before that I spent time chatting with my favorite Desk Assistant. Yeah that pursuit may be a waste of time. Might need to drop that.

Then I sent Her this note. Yay Dom and some others will hate me, but today she pissed me off. So I sent the letter after adding a line or two. The subject read, "If I'm That Guy and You're That Girl"

Dear You:

I felt the need to write this letter so that you could fully understand where I am coming from. Well, while I don't believe that you are taking what I say to heart, if you say you are I'll atleast listen to what you're saying.

The reason I treat you like I do is so that I will grow to hate you. And maybe also so that you may grow to hate me. Then we really won't have anything to say to one another. For some reason I think that you are attractive. Since I know we aren't compatible, we might as well not even deal with one another. On the basis that hopefully you won't get ugly, and on the basis that I'll continue to find you attractive. I'd rather get over it now, and get over you.

Also one day you're mean to me, one day you're nice. One day you want to talk and say hi. One day you want to eat my food. Then one day you want to bother me. I can't take inconsistency.

Oh, and just so you know you aren't getting any cookies from me. I don't make goodies if I don't get goodies.

Signed,

That Guy

So I'll live with the consequences of my actions. It's a part of life, living, learning, and making mistakes.

I have the feeling that note will either end something or begin something, oh well. What's done is done!

That's an ending.

Aww the rest of tonight was booty doo, minus the two phone calls I got from people who I ordinarily love to talk to on the tele. I just enjoyed talking to them.

One of my friends called to chit chat, gloat, inform me of how her life is going. She nicely told me she was dating for the first time in a while. Then she threw in there that he is white, and that her Dad whose an immigrant would respond interestingly. In response to that comment I said, "Oh that will be lovely."

Yeah, need I mention I used to have a crush on her.

Yeah anywho.

That's an ending.

Then the best friend called not Eps, Future Doc best friend. He was talking to me about med school drama, so it never ends. I told him to tell them all to sit down and cut something. It always relieves Christina's stress on "Greys's Anatomy". Yeah then we got to talking about Spring Break plans. I've never done that whole college spring break thing. I don't intend to start now. I am however contemplating a trip. One of my best female friends keeps insisting that I visit her in Jacksonville, Fl and Eps keeps insisting that I visit him in Erie, Pa. If I go anywhere it'll be to Florida, sorry Eps. Erie in March not my first choice.

So now however I must focus on the task at hand.

Cleaning up while watching "Hav Plenty" and then waking up and taking my butt to the lobby and parking it on a couch.

That is all.

That's an ending.

:-)

If I don't blog it on Turkey Day have a great Thanksgiving.

And now lyrics to one of my fav gospel songs I song when I was on the high school gospel choir.



Give Thanks

Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks unto the Holy One
Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son
Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks unto the Holy One
Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son


And now let the weak say, "I am strong"
Let the poor say, "I am rich
Because of what the Lord has done for us"
And now let the weak say, "I am strong"
Let the poor say, "I am rich
Because of what the Lord has done for us"

I NEED A SMART PHONE

So here's the phone I got when I filed a recent claim after my phone was "lost" in Boston. Still don't remember the exact circumstances, but my phone was lost somewhere in the city of Boston.

It was my second phone in about three months. Back in August my phone was stolen and used to call the D.R. (The D.R. stands for the "Dominican Republic)

My phone gets the business done for the most part, but it doesn't have e-mail.

So it seems that I may need to invest a SmartPhone.

It's not atop my priority list but seems it may be a wise investment.

It's beginning to irk me that on many a day, I don't check my e-mail until after 6.
This means that when people need responses by the close of business I'm unable to respond. It irks me because I pride myself on giving prompt, professional, and courteous responses. Lately, it also seems I've been missing big ones cause I'm away from the e-mail.

So I'm trying to decide a) whether to get a SmartPhone b)whether to get a new provider c)if a slow texter can ever master the SmartPhone d) is this an investment I make post-degree?

The many questions.

HaHa.

And so the wondering continues.

Why I Dislike Epsilonicus

Epsi: You know who you should go for, you should go for ________________________.
Me: She has a man, don't you read her blogs?
Epsi: She don't have a man, she has a cut buddy. That's different. He comes over and does what you used to do with ol what's her name: Felicia, Alicia, the ex girlfriend.
Me: Alicia and please don't bring her up ever again.
Epsi: Ok. I'm sorry. But just cause he come over and do some physical things don't make him her man.
Me: Whatever shut up!
Epsi: If you was to get that, you would never have to worry about me making fun of you for not getting none ever again, I would worship the ground you walk on, I would refer to you as Mr. Nelson for the rest of your life. Mr. Nelson your dinner is ready sir.

Mocktails and Things

So I've noticed that as much as I talk about always needing a drink, I don't drink that much. I mean for real if I average it together I drink on average every two weeks. That's enough and not enough at the same time. LoL

You see the people I wouldn't mind drinking with don't drink. The people I don't want to drink with, disgust me. Some of those people include the freshies.

I was on duty Friday and a bunch got on the elevator and smelled like whodunit and whatfor! So disappointing.

So tomorrow I'm supposed to have a "Mocktail Party".

The fact is like anyone else freshies are more likely to do stupid stuff when they've been drinking. The fact is our area should be a dry area. This is the notice that I will be watching to make sure they don't embarrass me.

Why it matters is because when the freshies do stupid stuff it changes the way my night will go.

So they need to know don't drink and drag your butt through my area.

With the "Mocktail Party" however I think it'll be a way for me to finally talk about alcohol in a honest fashion.

So a) let's hope people come, b) let's hope they drink the juice and not booze, c)let's hope they geit it.

On the Slate:

Random Concoction:
Orangina
7 Up
Sweet N Sour Drink Mixer

Wannabe Shirley Temple:
Lemon Lime Soda
Canada Dry
Grenadine

Chips & Dip

Words of the Week

Sunday- I hope that I'll be able to keep seeing "the light," and marching in accordance with it. You can't stop growing --- I'm growing now."
-Gwendolyn Brooks

Monday- "If you believe you have power, that gives you power, and if you use it, act on it, you can make things happen." - Maxine Waters

Tuesday- "I don't know what it is about me, but I think I was born to go through terrible things and then survive them." - Natalie Cole

Wednesday- "I cherish my friends, for I know that of all things granted us.. none is greater orbetter than friendship." -Pietro Aretino

Thursday-" Just be careful not to wrap your identity in possessions." -Paula Koskey

Friday- "We all stumble, we all face fears-- that's of course what makes us human." - George Bush

Saturday- "A great man is he who does not lose his childlike heart." - Mencius

I Know, I Know There Are So Many Things Wrong With This Picture

Guy meets girl, because girl works with girl and girl's sister.

Girl also goes to school with girl.

Guy really likes girl.

Things are awkward between guy and girl because guy and girl are at different places in their lives.

Guy really doesn't know how to tell girl so guy sends messages by doing stuff like buying girl panties.

Things are still awkward between guy and girl.

Guy tries to get over the idea of he and girl.

Girl still acts friendly towards guy, but guy can't decide on what girls motives are.

Guy tries to get girl to leave him alone.

Guy reverts to elementary school mode and is mean to girl so she will really leave him alone.

Before you say anything, guy already knows that there are so many things wrong with this picture.

Guy can't remember when during the past week guy wrote this letter.

Guy also can't remember if he it was at the time he had had two glasses of wine, and a seabreeze.

Ha

Guy's letter:

Dear You:

I felt the need to write this letter so that you could fully understand where I am coming from. Well, while I don't believe that you are taking what I say to heart, if you say you are I'll atleast listen to what you're saying.

The reason I treat you like I do is so that I will grow to hate you. And maybe also so that you may grow to hate me. Then we really won't have anything to say to one another. For some reason I think that you are attractive. Since I know we aren't compatible, we might as well not even deal with one another. On the basis that hopefully ou won't get ugly, and on the basis that I'll continue to find you attractive. I'd rather get over it now, and get over you.

Oh, and just so you know you aren't getting any cookies from me. I don't make goodies if I don't get goodies.

Signed,

Guy

Guy hasn't decided if guy will give the girl the letter.

Honesty Box

So anyone who has Facebook is probably familiar with the honesty box.

I can't remember what exactly inspired me to add the honest box feature to my Facebook page. Part of me thinks what you can't say on someone's wall or in a private message probably shouldn't be said. Then part of me knows that sometimes its about the time, the space, and the opportunity. Sometimes it's all about time, space, and opportunity.

"You need to get some"

Damn, thanks for the honesty.

Given the color coding (the message was highlighted in blue), which the key at the bottom of the honesty box says a male wrote. Pink is for females, duh.

I have four guesses as to who would write something like that, and that's the same four guesses as to who actually wrote it.

I was mad not cause I care.

More because I do have a big problem with people telling me what to do, and even worst what to think.

Plus not everyone should be going around being a male slut or a manwhore.

For some people sex is more than just recreational or procreational.

So whoever the loser was that decided to wrote that in my honesty box can go kick rocks.

"Your pissed off?...No, I'm Pissed Off" Part 3

I do want an experience focused in T.V. but you seemed to imply that the experience I wanted would put a burden on Mr. ___________. I suggested a hybrid only as a way to lessen the load. I've worked with Mr. _________ and know that he would like for me to produce content for radio, and Mr. ___________ would like for me to produce content for T.V. I primarily want experience in T.V. and want to be able to have the flexibility next semester to get hands on experience and to create content as a broadcaster. If I could do my own projects for T.V. only then nothing would make me happier. I'm looking for the opportunity to be allowed to do what it is that I love to do. I'm looking for the opportunity to gain experience which I haven't gotten in the last three years.

Christopher


So apparently the man is pissed because
a) he thinks I feel entitled to an independent study
b) he thinks I was disrespectful to him

I don't feel entitled, but I do feel I've earned the right for him to give my proposal serious thought. Contributions I've made outside of my classes, and a significant portion of my life while in college has been invested in entities under his auspices. Two years of my life was spent working for campus radio, months of my life working for campus T.V. In my view I have proven myself as a perfomer, I work everyday to maintain my reputation, and I work everyday to perform to high standards. I'm not perfect, far from it, but I'm no slacker. I deserve to not be brushed aside.

I don't think I was disrespectful I tried my best to be courteous and professional even when his rationale seemed flawed and smelled of B.S.

No he doesn't need to explain himself to me, but he needs to atleast hear me out. I've earned that right, I've proven myself.

Shortly after I had a meeting with two dudes who explained that said Doc was pissed off, another professor asked me to ask about an independent study. She wants me to work on a production with her, guess what department she's in? Comm. She knows what's up and she's an adjunct. How does she know, cause I did an independent project last year. She told me the project is being used heavy. That shows the cahir knows who the hell I am, and what I'm capable of. So, no he won't get away with trying to play me.

Also, don't push back to test me to see if I'm going to put up a fight, or go by the wayside, and then get mad when I fight. Cause when I'm mad or feel slighted I fight like hell.

Your pissed of? Naw man I'm pissed off, I'm all sorts of pissed.

"Your pissed off?...No, I'm Pissed Off" Part 2

1) Dr. ________ in anticipation that an independent study would be seen as a burden for Mr. __________ I spoke with him prior to presenting my idea. He said that he would be willing to work with me as long as you supported it, and I could get credit. We have already discussed the contributions I could make and how they fall in line with his goals for campus TV. My intended goal is to complement the work he already does with campus TV and the classes he teaches, not add to his workload.

2) My proposal is geared more towards allowing me to build a greater portfolio with experiences which aren’t offered via an internship with a professional T.V. or radio station. I have also already taken CM 380, so in my view it would be unwise to retake the course.

3) My idea for an independent study is based off of a model which at other institutions allows students to partake in on-campus internship/portfolio work. The arrangement allows and requires students to work independently. It allows flexibility but also accountability. My work, understanding of broadcasting, journalism, and media conventions could be measured in multiple ways a) activity log b) projects which can also be content for campus TV c)written evaluation/paper at semester’s end.

The activity log and projects could be measured on an ongoing basis as not to burden or overload an instructor

4) I believe that my prior experience with Communications department faculty and staff demonstrates my ability to work independently and still be productive. Part of the goal of an independent study would be to allow me to exercise many of the skills needed in journalism particularly broadcasting which are a) being a self-starting, b) being self-motivating c) being self-challenging d)being enterprising.

5) If you still think that having an independent study focused primarily on T.V. How about doing dual focus project focusing on audio and video. This could be facilitated by working with both campus Radio and campus T.V. This project would be unlike club involvement because a) I would have designated time 10am-12pm on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s, b)would be responsible for producing material on a regular basis, c)all material would be geared towards a final portfolio.

6) If you talked to Mr. ________ I’m sure he would be in support of the idea. As I said I approached him before contacting you. Also I am sure Mr. ______ of campus Radio, and my advisor Dr. ________ would attest to my abilities to carry out such a project.

Thank you in advance for considering my request.

Then Dr. _______ wrote back asking because I suggested a Radio/TV hybrid, if I wanted radio and T.V. why the professor I had requested, when what I wanted was compromise and not to give up anything.

"Your pissed off?...No, I'm Pissed Off" Part 1

So apparently I pissed off the chair of the Comm dept here at my school.

Hmmm?

For a good eight or so hours I actually cared. Then I said screw it. I'm not in the business of making enemies, but friends are overrated. I'm only slightly joking. As I said I'm not in the business of making enemies, but I'm not in the business of not being heard either.

Dr. _________:

I'm writing to inquire as to the possibility of designing an independent study for credit as a communications elective. As of now I only need 1 course for my major. Unfortunately I need 2 courses for my minor and this means I had to drop CM 372 Studio Television. Would it be possible to design an independent study course in conjunction with Mr. _______ for which I would receive 3 course credits? I could most certainly devise course objectives via a format, activity log, list of activities to be performed throughout the spring semester, along with a list of expected outcomes. In the past I've had to design or do independent projects for communications course such as Advanced Study in Communication, that experience along with prior internship and practical experience I believe have prepared me for an independent study opportunity. My being able to work with _____ for course credit I think would allow and facilitate me to be more of an asset to campus media.

Thanks,
Christopher

Dr. ________ then wrote back saying a) Comm department is understaffed, b) I was just trying to get credit for doing campus T.V., c) take a class which already appears on my transcript, d) design a course and get people to sign up by Thanksgiving, e) he’d get another instructor not the one whose experience I need to learn from.

Simple Things

Life is sometimes so hectic that in order to stay grounded I have to take stock of life by keeping it simple.

I was just rejoicing in having had three meals three days in a row. Eating regularly is such a rare occasion for me, sadly. I'd rather sleep than eat breakfast anyways, lol. Then Thursday I only had breakfast and lunch. Part of me didn't feel like travelling to the other side of campus, part of me was tired of high calorie intake. Not having a kitchen in my dorm room sucks. I refuse to buy pots, pans, and groceries and travel five floors via stairs or elevator to cook. Some part of me thinks all he work doesn't make it worth the hassle.

But eating reminds me that I so need to make time to do the gym. I could stand to loose 10. Maybe it'll be an early graduation gift to myself?

Sometimes though its the simple things like eating more than a meal a day, running errands (finally getting my laptop fully operational so I can take advantage of wireless), the prospect of no class on a Friday.

So I shall just remember to take time to smile, breath, and be happy.

Relapse

Listening to: Destiny's Child "Temptation" & "If You Leave" from "The Writing's on the Wall"

I had been doing so well.

Then I had a relapse.

Best Friend 1 (11:59:52 PM): hey
Me (11:59:31 PM): hey
Best Friend 1 (12:00:25 AM): how are you??
Me(12:00:24 AM): okay...tired...hatin school....bsin....thinkin about the single life for the first time in a while lol? u
Best Friend 1 (12:02:05 AM): tired of school also. im trying to keep my women folk separated. feeling guilty about seeing multiple women
Me (12:01:57 AM): lol
Best Friend 1 (12:08:21 AM): its crazy
Best Friend 1 (12:08:26 AM): and i keep trying to add more
Me (12:08:46 AM): lol manwhore
Best Friend 1 (12:09:30 AM): lol
Best Friend (12:10:39 AM): why are u thinking about the single life again????
stormyc14 (12:12:14 AM): lol cause i have dos crushes lol
My relapse involves me getting distracted by the fairer sex.

My homie Chris always encourages me to stay clear of the chickenheads, skutterbunks, temptresses. W/E nickname you have for them. LoL.

Well Saturday night found me spending a good 3 plus hours keeping a female student company as she worked the front desk in one of the dormitories.

At one point some residents exiting the elevator said, "Hey CNEL"

Once they turned the corner I heard some kids say, "He's still here. He's been here for like an hour. He was here the last time I came down here."

Damn. Can I not be in the company of a cutie.

Geez.

The next day (Sunday) I was on the opposite side of campus from where I live.

I saw this girl whose in one of my classes. I know she's been having some struggles showing up so I offer to give her the study questions for one of the books we needed to read. The book was key to a test we both had Monday. She didn't have the study questions cause they are always found on the lecture outline our professor hands out at the beginning of every class.

Once I offered to go and get the notes she said, "No I don't want you to make a special trip."

"No. I'll get them and bring them back for you," I said.

She then gave me her number to call her when I came back over.

You guessed it I hightailed it to my dorm, brought back the notes.

"Oh you're so nice. Thanks so much. You deserve a hug for that," she said.

That hug made my life. I mean my night.

Then today this trick I mean chick who works with me and goes to LoCo was messing with me all day. She claims since I am so matter of fact and blunt with her, that I hurt her feelings. Do you know she proceeded to tell me I should make her chocolate chip cookies to make up for my ill-treatment of her? I said sheeeeeit I made it up to you when I brought you panties. HaHa. I am tempted to buy the baking sheet, get some frozen chocolate chips and make it for the hooker. It's something about her smile.

No. Earth to CNEL, I can't go out like that.

I told her it was a no go, cause there's no reciprocity involved. You got to give to get. I find it my duty to teach her that lesson. "The highest expression of love is to give without expecting." One of my mentors wrote that here:

http://www.blackenterprise.com/lifestyle/principles/principles.asp

I don't think I feel her like that.

Anyway I have to get back to being focused. CNEL to self: Get them off the brain.

Oh and someone out there's going to be wondering if any of them know I think they "purdy" (think Mike from "The Wood"). Crush 1 must know if I check her work schedule and show up at the desk to talk to her faithfully, Crush 2 doesn't know though I wrote it in her honesty box (we wrote back in forth and I refused to reveal my identity haha playing the game was fun.) Crush 3 has to know though she plays dumb, I brought her panties? Does it get any more blunt or any more disturbing? The more I think about it the more I'm disturbed by that past acts, though it was both a gag gift and a dare.

That is all.

Lata,
C

What I Really Want?

This song has been heavy on my heart since the college Joy Night (Gospel Choir fall concert) Saturday night.

I'm at the point where nearly every day I'm questioning what I want.

What is it that I really want?

I'm questioning what I want my future to look like.

I'm questioning how I'll get there.

One of my mentors sent me an e-mail today. Included in the e-mail was a job listing.
The job is a non-journalism related job. She suggested I apply for the job.She thinks I'm qualified for the job without even having my college degree, despite the listing asking for 3-8 years experience. It's amazing that she still thinks I'm qualified for the job.

The job would most certainly pay more than an entry level journo job. Trust me folks.
Gosh, the job might pay 50-100% more than an entry level journo job. And in case you're wondering folks I wouldn't be selling my soul.

Hereinlies the problem with multiple passions.

As noted the job isn't in journo but it's still right up my alley based on my education, my life experience, a few of my other passions.

Oh the kicker, applying for this job would mean a part-time job beginning in April and a full-time job beginning in June.

Gosh to have that kind of security at 21.

I grab that piece of paper on May 17,2008!

Like I said no guarantee, but would exploring the opportunity make me disloyal to the other parts of who I am, the other parts of myself, my other commitments? Disloyal to those who look to me, rely on me, believe in me?

Gasp, would it make me a hypocrite?

The idea of being a hypocritical bastard, not at the top of my list.

Might be time for me to kneel down and lay it all down.

Words of the Week

Note: Just words from others that made me think.

Sunday - “Look at what’s being brought to you not whose bringing it.” -My Mother on Life
Monday- “See your first problem is you ask permission. You ask permission to say something you’re already uncomfortable with.” - Whoppi Goldberg on white people and the “N” word
Tuesday- “The first thing is to know you’re right, the second thing is to know why you’re right.” - My Professor John McIntyre, Assistant Managing Editor, The Baltimore Sun on editing other people’s work
Wednesday-“Good writers do things for a reason.” -My Professor Mark Bowden, Author of “Black Hawk Down”
Thursday-“Of all God’s creatures a sick man is the most odious. Who said that? It’s in The Bible or I said it, I can’t remember.” -Toni Keane, One of My Sociology Professor’s
Friday-“Each of us has a private interior vision, sees the world the way nobody else does, and what you’re trying to do is transcribe that.” -Maxine Swann on Writing
Saturday-“That’s what people do. They jump and hope to God they can fly otherwise they drop life a rock. Wondering the whole way down, “Why in the hell did I jump?” - Hitch from “Hitch”

Lesson Learned Pt. 2

V, La, and Chris your comments have all made me smile.

V- You're dead on about the super. Still can't stand her. Ewww gives me the creeps. LoL. The professor and I though have a great relationship. I think she's been just a little taken aback cause I have been too stressed and too busy to be as cheery as I can be. LoL I have a great smile, I just don't see the need to smile all the damn time. LoL. She's mad coo tho thankfully, so much so that on Friday I walked away from the meeting with her with her signature on a form which allows me to design my own course next semester. She knows I've earned the right to do me, and is supporting me.

Also thanks to La for pointing out that the feelings I'm feeling are natural. Thank God I don't have to feel guilty for speaking my mind. Chris don't worry I'm going to continue not to apologize for being honest. Cause if I lied about everything people would still be mad, and be calling me everything but a child of God.

Two of my friends have both alluded to the fact that one of my major problems is the lack of unity at this school. People particularly shall I come right out and say it "black people" are creating conflict. Fact: Some people here talk a good game. Since I'm a doer I don't approve. One friend went to a prep school much like mine. Sadly, we're used to being underrepresented on campuses, but we're also used to doing something about. We laughed cause the stuff people seem to be going through now we went through in high school. Fact: Some people here feel the need to prove their blackness. We remarked we don't need to prove our blackness, cause none of them can take it away. I don't go to BSA (Black Student Association) meetings to hear people vent their frustrations if a plan of action won't come from it. Yes, ya'll knowI bitch and moan. Why? Because I can, because sometimes it feels good, and because I've earned the right to bitch and moan.

But in my defense I also do stuff about my discontentment. I'm a leader who works to change things which I know aren't right. I also keeps it real. One of my biggest problems I have is people trying to qualify what it means to be black. Our strength is our diversity, the diversity which exists within our own race. Sometimes I want to yell, "You are not the friggin black police so sit your ass down." There are those who believe that in order to be looked at as more black they need to a)talk a certain way b)dress a certain way c)act a certain way d) have had the same struggle. So to be more black I'm going to talk about this struggle and that struggle, I ain't never had. Stop and shut up. Go somewhere with the foolishness. People are still caught up in a need for drama, a need to judge, a need to be pretend, and a need to say "he or she ain't black because..." We're adults not kids, let's act mature. Let's not make people have to be something they are not to be "black." It's so tiring and frustrating, and still some don't get it.

They maybe won't get it in the six months I have left.

Thankfully I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm 5 weeks away with being done classes for this semester, seven weeks away from being done finals. In seven weeks there will be 9 credits standing between me and graduation. Sadly I have to take 12 to be full-time and to get my money. But I'm going to make it.

Okay now I need some encouragement:

"Lesson Learned"

Before I begin let me say that Alicia Key's new album is pretty good. I heard the AOL preview.

My fav picks are

"Lesson Learned"
"Like You'll Never See Me Again"
&
"I Need You"

Okay now to the substance of this post.

The fact is I'm learning to speak the truth. To speak my truth.

It's not that I'm a liar. It's more that I have always been the type of person who keeps things close to the vest. It's sad but true that I keep a lot of things internalized.

I know, I know it should have been quite obvious to me that speaking my truth would be so liberating, would be so powerful. If it were obvious to me, I take it it'd be very obvious to a whole lot of people.

Well anyway I'm learning to love the look on people's faces when I'm a 100% blunt, authentic, honest, raw. I really do like f'ing with people. I know call me a hypocrite cause you mess with me and all hell's going to break loose. But there's some joy to be gotten out of surprising the hell out of people with the things you say. I'm currently walking that line between being forthcoming and being inconsiderate, but hey some things people just need to know.

Take for instance my meeting earlier this week with my supervisor here in the dorm.

Her: How are you?
Me: I'm okay, I think.
Her: You think?
(Imagine her looking like a nerdy ass Molly Shannon looking stupid, dumbfounded, and confused)
Me: Quite frankly I'm ready for May to get here, ready to graduate. I'm just not feeling it. People are surprised to hear me say this, but I'm over it. I'm over the whole thing. I'm not one of those people whose going to always say he's happy, always say he loves Loyola. I'm just ready to move on.
Her: Ready for the next chapter.
Me: Yeah
Her: Are you enjoying yourself?
Me: No, but that's okay. I'm making it.
Her: Let me know if I can help with anything.

I wanted to say winch you can help by getting off my back, giving me space, not being a prissy, fake, awkward, know it all, goody two shoes. But hey I held my tongue and kept it moving.

I do my job so she never has anything to say to me. But she fails to understand we will never be friends. I don't like her. I can't talk to her. Nothing to talk about, ever!

Then yesterday I had a meeting with one of my professors. I had wanted to drop her class. It's a class in Sociological Theory. I'm more of a fan of contemporary sociology and theory is not hitting the spot. I told her quite frankly I was tired of this place and very frustrated with it, and that I was not prepared to sit through a class where I wouldn't do well. Apparently there are people in the class who are doing even more poorly. From the start of the semester she says she's been convinced that I've tuned it. I said well yeah considering that the class is too big to be a discussion class, considering that she doesn't want it to be a lecture, than yeah I've been 'spaced out like a space cadet'. She said that I was negative and pessimistic. She called me mule-headed. Stubborn or strong-willed? Depends on whether you want a negative or positive spin? She then went on to tell me that I needed counseling. I said a) it ain't that serious b) it's not an option. I talk to people, but my biggest problem I shouldn't have stayed at this school for so friggin long. Senior year is making me realize that. But again why she got to be mad? Geesh, tell people you can't be this school's biggest cheerleader and they think you've cursed them out!

Well, if I am in her opinion I am angry, cranky, negative or pessimistic. It's because I should have thrown up the deuces a long time ago, but instead I'll have to wait to May. It's me being honest with myself. This was not the place for me, is not the place for me. Rather than being brave enough to walk away, I stayed. I stayed and put on a good face. I stayed at a place which for all intents and purposes refuses to change for the better. I can't take being around people who've settled. If there's anything I can truly say has been cemented by my experience thus far it's that I'm a doer, I'm a change agent.

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned.
Steak a return so I call it a lesson learned.
My soul has returned so I call it a lesson learned.
Another lesson Learned

Sometimes some lies can
take a minute to fully realize

Alicia Keys "Lesson Learned"

Hey atleast I'm no longer in denial.
To be continued...

Reporter's Notebook

Since my internship ended in August I have not been actively practicing the craft. At least I have not been in front of the camera, or beside the camera on a regular basis. Yes, on occasion I pen a column for the school newspaper. I however want to be a broadcaster. So, I should be practicing broadcasting. Well hopefully I'll get more opportunities in the not too distant future.

Tonight though I had the opportunity of my young career. I had the opportunity to interview someone for whom I have tremendous respect AIDS activist Hydeia Broadbent. The 23-year-old has always impressed me because of her poise, maturity, dignity, and grace. Diagnosed with HIV/AIDS as a child she hasn't known life without her disease. She however has always lived a life where she's tried to show people that infected persons can lead productive lives.

Her speech at my school was open, honest, blunt, frank. She went wherever the audience wanted her to go in Q & A's. From her needing to take a break from the spotlight, to her own love life, and to her decision to abstain from sex. Broadbent spoke repeatedly of the need for careful decision making.

It's weird she's older than me but I still see her as the young girl who had been everywhere from Oprah to the cover of Essence.

It was a privilege to be in her presence, to speak with her, and to see that she is truly no different from the rest of us. I aspire to always tell real stories, about real people with real life lessons.

If I learned anything from Hydeia it is to not be afraid to serve "my people" and fulfill my purpose.

That one of my personal objectives as a journalist: to always take something personally away from every subject, every story. It's my belief that it'll make me a better person.

Have a great Friday.

-CNEL

P.S. Do digital cameras add 10 lbs too or are those the 10 I really need to lose? :-/

That was Me Then, This is Me Now

Feeling: Slightly Overwhelmed, Slightly Disconcerted, Discontented
Listening: Musiq Soulchild "Betterman"


That Was Me Then

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."
1 Corinthians 13:11

So not too long ago I got through with a "College Shuttle Confession". I don't do Taxi Cabs so there was no "Taxi Cab Confession". I was however travelling from one side of campus to another on a rainy night. I was talking to one of the shuttle drivers about my feeling overwhelmed. Quite honestly at this point in my school year, at this point in my life, I want to take time to be selfish.

As has been pointed out to me before (by my mother, by J, and by others )my natural inclination is to take care of others. And now I'm realizing that definitely needs to change.


This Is Me Now

I'm realizing now that if I am to be happy. I need to a) cut back b) give myself time to get done what I need to get done c)learn to say no d)let people learn to do for themselves e) maybe even learn to allow people to do for me. As I have said time and time again, I am forever a work in progress. I don't believe in the idea of perfection. I do however believe in giving one's best. Right now I can honestly say I'm not giving my best at any one thing, and that simply isn't good enough. No one who relies on my really deserves to be shortchanged, and most of all I shouldn't accept shortchanging myself.

Notice how the picture of me then, is bigger than the picture of me now. As with a lot of people at this stage in life, I want so desperately to be free. It's normal to want to be the adult, and I know next year at this time I'll want to be back where I am. If it's the natural progression of things, I guess I'll learn to appreciate what I have when I have it. I'll look back and wish I would have made more of it, no.

The challenge is to make the most with what I have now. I got it. Let's get it. I hope :-)

Words of the Week

Sunday- “Experience the satisfaction of unselfish thinking.” -Rev. Run

Monday- “God is the greatest dramatist. There’s nothing the human imagination can make up that’s better than what is and what was.” -Ken Burns

Tuesday- “Everything comes to he who hustles while he waits.” -Nick Cannon

Wednesday- “I really do believe we can all become better than we are.” -James Baldwin

Thursday- “We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists ... in the loved one, perfection.” -Sidney Poitier

Friday- “Success is doing what you love to do, with people that you love, in an environment that you love.” -Wally Amos

Saturday- “I create my own calm.” -Erykah Badu

The Jury's Still Out

So I finally got Jilly from Philly's latest CD.

I'm a Jill fan and she never fails me. I have every one of CD's including "Collaborations". She's one of few singers who I own all of their works.
She's just that hot.

She says this is about her artistry, "If life lasts, that means change is inevitable. But what's solid is I'll always be a storyteller. I'll always tell you from start to finish."

A lot of people say her new album is sex, all sex. Welll!

Whatever the topic Jill Scott reminds us that the story isn't always written in black and white. She adds color.

So one of my fav joints on this album is "All I" .

It doesn't have a video but that hasn't stopped people from making their own:


As far as I'm concerned I still need to decide if I think the album is too sexy, too eroitc, too risque!