"Lesson Learned"

Before I begin let me say that Alicia Key's new album is pretty good. I heard the AOL preview.

My fav picks are

"Lesson Learned"
"Like You'll Never See Me Again"
&
"I Need You"

Okay now to the substance of this post.

The fact is I'm learning to speak the truth. To speak my truth.

It's not that I'm a liar. It's more that I have always been the type of person who keeps things close to the vest. It's sad but true that I keep a lot of things internalized.

I know, I know it should have been quite obvious to me that speaking my truth would be so liberating, would be so powerful. If it were obvious to me, I take it it'd be very obvious to a whole lot of people.

Well anyway I'm learning to love the look on people's faces when I'm a 100% blunt, authentic, honest, raw. I really do like f'ing with people. I know call me a hypocrite cause you mess with me and all hell's going to break loose. But there's some joy to be gotten out of surprising the hell out of people with the things you say. I'm currently walking that line between being forthcoming and being inconsiderate, but hey some things people just need to know.

Take for instance my meeting earlier this week with my supervisor here in the dorm.

Her: How are you?
Me: I'm okay, I think.
Her: You think?
(Imagine her looking like a nerdy ass Molly Shannon looking stupid, dumbfounded, and confused)
Me: Quite frankly I'm ready for May to get here, ready to graduate. I'm just not feeling it. People are surprised to hear me say this, but I'm over it. I'm over the whole thing. I'm not one of those people whose going to always say he's happy, always say he loves Loyola. I'm just ready to move on.
Her: Ready for the next chapter.
Me: Yeah
Her: Are you enjoying yourself?
Me: No, but that's okay. I'm making it.
Her: Let me know if I can help with anything.

I wanted to say winch you can help by getting off my back, giving me space, not being a prissy, fake, awkward, know it all, goody two shoes. But hey I held my tongue and kept it moving.

I do my job so she never has anything to say to me. But she fails to understand we will never be friends. I don't like her. I can't talk to her. Nothing to talk about, ever!

Then yesterday I had a meeting with one of my professors. I had wanted to drop her class. It's a class in Sociological Theory. I'm more of a fan of contemporary sociology and theory is not hitting the spot. I told her quite frankly I was tired of this place and very frustrated with it, and that I was not prepared to sit through a class where I wouldn't do well. Apparently there are people in the class who are doing even more poorly. From the start of the semester she says she's been convinced that I've tuned it. I said well yeah considering that the class is too big to be a discussion class, considering that she doesn't want it to be a lecture, than yeah I've been 'spaced out like a space cadet'. She said that I was negative and pessimistic. She called me mule-headed. Stubborn or strong-willed? Depends on whether you want a negative or positive spin? She then went on to tell me that I needed counseling. I said a) it ain't that serious b) it's not an option. I talk to people, but my biggest problem I shouldn't have stayed at this school for so friggin long. Senior year is making me realize that. But again why she got to be mad? Geesh, tell people you can't be this school's biggest cheerleader and they think you've cursed them out!

Well, if I am in her opinion I am angry, cranky, negative or pessimistic. It's because I should have thrown up the deuces a long time ago, but instead I'll have to wait to May. It's me being honest with myself. This was not the place for me, is not the place for me. Rather than being brave enough to walk away, I stayed. I stayed and put on a good face. I stayed at a place which for all intents and purposes refuses to change for the better. I can't take being around people who've settled. If there's anything I can truly say has been cemented by my experience thus far it's that I'm a doer, I'm a change agent.

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned.
Steak a return so I call it a lesson learned.
My soul has returned so I call it a lesson learned.
Another lesson Learned

Sometimes some lies can
take a minute to fully realize

Alicia Keys "Lesson Learned"

Hey atleast I'm no longer in denial.
To be continued...