Why I Dislike Epsilonicus

Epsi: You know who you should go for, you should go for ________________________.
Me: She has a man, don't you read her blogs?
Epsi: She don't have a man, she has a cut buddy. That's different. He comes over and does what you used to do with ol what's her name: Felicia, Alicia, the ex girlfriend.
Me: Alicia and please don't bring her up ever again.
Epsi: Ok. I'm sorry. But just cause he come over and do some physical things don't make him her man.
Me: Whatever shut up!
Epsi: If you was to get that, you would never have to worry about me making fun of you for not getting none ever again, I would worship the ground you walk on, I would refer to you as Mr. Nelson for the rest of your life. Mr. Nelson your dinner is ready sir.