Impossible is Impossible

This blog is my way of reflecting upon life. Life is about living and learning. As I live and learn I’m going to reflect upon this life I lead. Hopefully I'll offer something insightful with my postings. If you learn nothing else from me, know this that “impossible is impossible”.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Looking In the Mirror

Sadly these videos won't imbed but look at these links.

First Up: A 1980's report on being "Black in White America" by former ABC anchorwoman Carole Simpson.

Then: A recent mini-documentary by young aspiring filmmaker Kiri Davis.

I found this interesting in the midst of the debate over "Hot Ghetto Mess" aka "We Got To Do Better".

For me it highlights the importance of having a media which is reflective of society, but which is also aware of its significance in society.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSafZUWok98

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wk_x7s3QiYk

Words of the Week

Sunday- “In every person you met, there’s a little piece of God in them, and that’s the part you talk to.” –Terrence Howard

Monday- “Sometimes you have to stand on a mountain of no’s to get to that one yes.” Unknown

Tuesday-“ We come. We go. And in between we try to understand.” –Rod Steiger

Wednesday- “The true portrait of a man is a fusion of what he thinks he is, what others think he is, what he really is and what he tries to be.” –Dore Schary

Thursday- “In the long run, the pessimist may be right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.” –Rev. Run

Friday- “If you think for yourself you often think alone.” -Unknown

Saturday- “Passion is the number one quality for greatness.” –Rev. Run

Saturday, July 28, 2007

And let the church say... Pt. 3

Growing up my idea of what a minister should be like was shaped by none other than the late M.L.K. Jr.

It’s funny because I went to an elementary school named after M.L.K. and some of the other neighborhood kids went to a school named after Malcolm X.

When we learned about Dr. King at Dr. M.L.K. Jr. Elementary was that he was a minister as well as a civil rights leader. Often we’d see caricatures of him wearing a black robe with red crosses embroidered into the robe’s front paneling. When we watched videos such as “Eye on the Prize” teachers were sure to show video of him delivering passionate sermons.

It was in that light that I saw all ministers.

It’s not that I felt they had to be like M.L.K. It’s just that ministers in my mind were supposed to be multifaceted, multitalented, intelligent, articulate, focused, driven, passionate, and socially conscious leaders.

In response to my last post Epsilonicus said that some ministers are pulpit pimps. Apparently there’s an entire site dedicated to calling them out.

The Internet and the city of Baltimore are abuzz with allegations about one leader of the flock. Many say he had the makings to be a well respected religious and civic leader for the next generation.

Depending on what you read or who you talk to you get different stories.
a) The Reverend has a 7-year old daughter out a wedlock who he does not acknowledge

I searched the court records as some discussion boards suggest, and the records exist to support this claim.

b) The Revered got one of the members of his congregation pregnant

Word is he denied this in front of his own congregation.

Whether or not the rumors are true or not really doesn’t matter. The fact is that pastors and ministers are imperfect people. There are human just as those who look to them for preaching and teaching.

When they have missteps just as we do, they too need forgiveness.

I do think its important to have good shepherds who can help us grow in the word.

My biggest problem is when people’s deeds and creeds are different.

None of us are perfect, and we will also have to answer to the higher power.

I have a major problem with going into a house of worship and it’s not about praise and worship.
I have a problem when there’s more attention paid to how the church looks to the outside world, then what’s being done inside the walls to change lives, and help people on their walk of faith.

I just hope all is not lost, and that there are still some noble leaders out there.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

And let the church say... Pt. 2

Imagine my surprise when I read an article in The Baltimore Sun which said that my granddad’s church, the same one that burned down, had managed to get the pastor a Bentley.


How’d they twerk that? I sat and I wondered.


This is the same church that The Sun reports couldn’t pay its water bills, or a mortgage on a property the church owns/owned.



I think I first got hip to the preaching about prosperity, when I went to a church website and you didn't see a sanctuary but a picture of a Beemer. Since when did Beemer's become synonymous with Jesus.


Are we so caught up in overplaying any prosperity philosophy that we forget to do God’s work?


Oh and no CNEL does not sit in judgement.


I am among the least of us, an acknowledged sinner, far from perfect, yes I have sought forgiveness.


I just have a problem where its more about appearances, than it is about the word.


Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised when my granddad would come home denoting the absurb number of offerings collected at a service. Not just the normal tithes and offerings, not even an extra for a building fund, how about one for the first lady.


I have no problem with ministers teaching that our faithfulness and obedience shall be rewarded.


What I do find problematic is teaching solely based or in large part based upon some sort of prosperity philosophy or theology.


There has to be more motivation for one to lead a life worth living than promise of material possessions.

Up next the Leaders of the Flock…

And let the church say… Pt. 1

Well church has been on my mind something heavy as of late. It was that way, even before J began sharing with us as her forays and adventures, as she sought to get her summer Bible study on. Around the time of my birthday my fellow intern Mimi suggested that church be a part of my 21st birthday celebration. Unfortunately it was not, but it did not stop me from contemplating the role church plays in my life.

Yeah I have been absent church services for a while. I have no excuse. I could surely offer one up without digging deep, but there’s no need to do so. When we’re motivated we can accomplish what we “will”. We are able to achieve that which we “will” ourselves to do.

Even though I am a veracious reader, writer, quote sharer. Sometimes there are few things which resonate with me. One thing which has replayed in my head the words of one of my mentor, “Don’t go through college without making time for church. I didn’t start going regularly until law school and it’s something that I regret. Make the time.”

It seems it’s all about making the time.

There are those in my family past and present who have made the time.

My maternal great-grandmother was a Sunday school superintendent in our native South Carolina. My paternal aunt and uncle are ministers, so are a few paternal cousins. I also have a maternal cousin in Baltimore who is a first lady. My mother is a former Sunday school teacher. One of my aunts and godmother is a trustee.

Then there have been signs.

A few weeks back my grandfather’s home church burned to the ground. The church’s steeple was hit by a bolt of lightning. A fire was ignited and the church burned down.

While he’s getting up there and hasn’t regularly attended services as of late, my granddad was a member of his church for over 20 years. He often did the early bird service, and we know that takes a special type of commitment.

Up next Prosperity Philosophy…

Sunday, July 22, 2007

So I'm Back

So I'm back in Chucktown for the last 14 days.

Mondays and Wednesdays will be spent shooting and editing a story for the 5:30 and then floor managing during the show.

Tuesday and Thursdays will have me news writing and co-anchoring the 5:30.

Fridays will have me assignment editing, and running the audio board for the 5:30.

And on this Friday I'll anchor the two taped cut-ins.


Chicago was cool. It made me miss living in a major city with mass transit :-).

Passing the projects on my way to the South Side made me sing the theme to "Good Times" in my head.

Anyway all worked out, just fine.

I got picked up by my friend Avery at 4:45 (she was there at 4:30 A.M. like really love this chick for sacrificing for me.) Avery dropped me off at 5:00 for the 5:23 train. I made it to Chitown by 9:30.






DIP, "HoTrain" aka Tillman, and Me H.S. Grad 6-11-04
My Host "Ho Train" Reunited After 4 Years


So I made it to Navy Pier very early and had a caramel macchiato from Starbucks and had nuggets and fries at the McDonald's.

I went to the candidate's forum, and met many of the other candidates. Their favorite question: "Where have you been? 'I' haven't seen you on the campaign trail."

Uh thanks folks I was already nervous, now the pressure was really on.

Then one of my fellow candidates says, "I'm really looking forward to hearing a good speech."

Anywho after a 2 minute opening statement, I had 2 minutes to respond to questions posed by the audience.

I was very nervous, but unlike a lot of times, didn't think about the nervousness. I thought about clear, concise, and saying what was core. That's that diversity education training for you. Whenever there's discussion we preach about the 3 C's.

I was first up amongst the candidates for openings and statements which meant I was last up for closing.

After the closing a few people walked up to me and said I did a good job.

One woman was a recruiter for a newspaper (wish it were T.V. but if I remember correctly her company owns atleast one T.V. station). She encouraged me to get print experience, mmmm k, I know all about convergence, but ummm...

I had feared I'd have to take a night train back to the east central Illinois. So I skipped the candidate's cookout.Then my middle school/ high school friend and former roommate "Ho-Train" came through.

Explanation: (He's called that because he was really, really short in high school. Girls always touched him and said he was so little and so cute. Hence the name Ho-Train. Nearly everyone called him Train. I think even some teachers knew about the nickname.)

I hadn't seen him in three years. I took the bus to his house on the south side.

We caught up talked about life. We ate thai food his treat drunken noodle (as my mother concluded since I didn't find it tasty I maybe should have been drunk to enjoy it), and pineapple curry which was not half bad.

We took shots to celebrate us both being 21. He's about two weeks older than me.

I fell asleep as I always do at people's houses.

When I woke up we went to the Sheffield area near DePaul to hang out and walk around.

Because one of the crew was underage we didn't do any bars.

Then we headed home.

I slept.

I woke up.

I took a bus to a cab to the train back to Chucktown.

The End.

:-)

Hope everyone had a good weekend.


Words of the Week

Sunday- “The sooner you fall in love with struggle, the more successful you’ll be.” – Unknown

Monday- “Life is a like a heart monitor. Ups and downs are okay, just don’t flatline.” –Tavis Smiley

Tuesday- “ Don't compromise even if it hurts to be yourself.” -Toby Keith

Wednesday- “I've learned you can make a mistake and the whole world doesn't end. I had to learn to allow myself to make a mistake without becoming defensive and unforgiving.” –Lisa Kudrow

Thursday- “I can't hate for long. It isn't worth it.” –William Saroyan

Friday- “To expect life to be tailored to our specifications is to invite frustration. Too many people miss the silver lining because they’re expecting gold. Slow down, breathe. Learn to enjoy the little things; there are so many to them.”- Rev. Run

Saturday- “I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works.” –Oscar Wilde

Friday, July 20, 2007

24 Hours in the Chi

Twenty-four hours from now I should be in Chicago aka Chi-town. I'm going there and as much as I hate this next fact. I'm only staying for 24 hours. I'm taking the first train into the city, and I'm also taking the first train out. It's not the way I normally operate, but it's what I have to do.
I have to attend a candidate's forum. I'm currently running for Student Representative of the National Association of Black Journalists. My opponent has attended two of the four candidate forums. I'm a wee bit behind the ball.

The internship has consumed so much of my life, campaigning sad to say had to take a back seat. How can I help others without first helping myself? If I really want into the industry I needed this internship to remind me of why I want to be a journalist, I needed this internship to teach me things, and I needed the opportunity to gain practical experience.

At first, I didn't think I'd be able to attend this forum either. I am interning in another part of the state of Illinois. I don't have a car. The train station is in a town twenty minutes away. Logistics just did not seem to be in my favor.

Not being able to attend yet another forum would be bad. That would have left me with only e-mail, phone calls, Facebook, and the national forum in Vegas to woo the audience. Hopefully the published report on this forum will get my name out there.

It does seem that all the details and arrangements for this trip are about to work out. Heads bowed...fingers crossed...eyes lifted to the sky.

I called a old friend to see if he could put me up for a night. I ordered a train ticket. I found a cab company, a company that I now cannot use cause we covered an alleged drug bust involving said transportation company. Needless to say they aren't fans. One of the co-workers has however agreed to pick me up at 4:45am and to take me to the train station. I already loved her, now I love even more.

That really is what friends are for.

It gives new meaning to this phrase, "I find that in the end its your friends who sustain you." -Antoinette Q.

I think I can buy a tranist pass which gets me to and from the forum.

I'll atleast be able to make an appearance. Hopefully people will stop questioning whether or not I want to win.

Anyway tomorrow it's all about me putting my best foot forward.

And now for my real Jerry Springer moment...aside from Oprah he's another famous Chicagoan. LoL.

"Until next time take care of yourselves, and each other."

CNEL, CNEL, CNEL

Peace.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Here's One For the "Oh Hell No" File

Oh hell no.

Thou shall not be threatened by some scary looking fool driving a pick up truck.

So my day was already not going to well.

I went in at 9:15 to make arrangements for a weekend getaway.

Then I pitched two story ideas
1) Localizing the NYC steam pipe explosion and seeing if it could happen in the nearest major city population 200,000 +
2) Localizing and investigating the appearance of an increase in reports of missing children

The News Director only liked idea 1, but it didn't come through.

So then I got told to call on another story, seeing if there was an update in the case of a sheriff's deputy who had been shot weeks ago. The deputy died and now the suspects face capital murder charges. No one wanted to talk on that front.

Then they gave me another story. I had to investigate reports of a house being flooded by rain due to shoddy work. The landlord was at first reluctant to speak with me but eventually he did do a phone interviewer. Since we couldn't get his contractor we killed the story.

Then they sent me to preview a weekend fair called "Bagel Fest" because it was started 22 years ago when Lender's Bagels came to the area.

The highlight of doing that story interviewing 2 kid brothers. One brother was six, and the other four. Like it brought a smile to my face on an otherwise hectic day.

After packaging that story we went to shoot video for a voiceover.

First off there was a pitbull running around WITHOUT a leash.
Second we had to shoot from the road, which was still public property.
Third on our way out of the area, we were stopped by a truck.
The driver had two passengers. Also, he didn't really completely turn out of the way of our vehicle.

The convo went something like this:

Sketchy Character: What was the purpose of shooting the video?
My Photog: We were just told to shoot [said company] for a story.
Sketchy Character: Can I see the video?
My Photog: No you cannot. And since we shot the video on public property we did nothing wrong.
Sketchy Character: What would happen if I jumped in and took it?
My Photog: What?
Sketchy Character reaches for something.
Me: Nuge, let's get out of here.

We were both in shock.

Me: That did not just happen. We were just threatened with bodily harm. I'm really done with this town now! Is your heart still beating really fast?!

Oh hell no. I will not be threatened when I'm still a stranger in a foreign land.

Like on Monday boss lady had better not trip. I don't want to hear any nonsense or foolishness. I more than worked my ass off today.

That is all.

-C

Monday, July 16, 2007

THESE LAST FEW WEEKS

These last few weeks will be the hardest.

So close but yet sooooo far.

Sitting at work toggling between INews, TVNewser, FishbowlDC, and my e-mail.

Every time I read Fishbowl I want to be back on the east coast.

So when I get back to Bmore, I have two days to pack and to see people who will leave for school while I'm in Vegas.

Then its Vegas for five days. Do I even want to think about the last days of campaigning? Not really. I'm nervous, anxious, excited, and enthusiastic. I'm not stressing though if its for me, it shall be.

Then it's back to Baltimore for seven days before school starts again. Or atleast until I move on campus for R.A. training. I have first-years. Oh the ability to help mold young minds. LoL.

I kind of feel jipped because I will have no vacation.

I just hope I don't end up being burned out.

On another note "Boomerrang Feet" ain't sugar honey iced tea. Whew needed to say that.

I miss my cuddle buddy. We haven't talked for more than 10 seconds since I've been here. I'm interning it up. She's working two jobs. We can't even talk on the phone.

Awww. I know I don't need to be in that situation, anyway. STAY AWAY. I tell myself that but it won't work.

Cue Destiny's Child "Temptation".
Cue Musiq Soulchild's "Buddy".
Cue Ciara's "Crush. (EVEN THOUGH CRUSHES ARE USELESS.
SHE WAS SOOOO HOT IN THAT VIDEO THOUGH. LEGS, LEGS
AND MORE LEGS.)

You know temptation isn't good, but those things you be tempted to do be making you feel good emotionally if not physically.



Sunday, July 15, 2007

Words of the Week

Return of our weekly feature:

Sunday- "The difference between surviving and dying is believing." -Noel Jones

Monday- "Embarrassments can become testimonies."-Unknown

Tuesday- "If you will it, it is not a dream." -Henry Winkler

Wednesday- "I cannot express enough how important mentorship is. When you come to the end of your abilities and admit that you need help, life gets better." -Rev. Run

Thursday- "Instead of being motivated by ambition, be motivated by challenge." -Unknown

Friday- "You don't have to blow out my candle to make yours burn brighter." -Bob Eubanks

Saturday- "All things lead to where you are."-Unknown

Saturday, July 14, 2007

"Same Script,Different Cast"

Sometimes I feel like I've been here before. I feel like I've lived parts of my life before.

A friend wrote she felt as though her life were in a sense going in circles "Same Script, Different Cast".

Random: Three weeks from today I'll be headed home to Bmore! Yes, I'm too pumped.

I felt too accomplished as a journalist this week. Well after a substandard anchor job when I filled in on the desk on Tuesday. :-/

On Tuesday I also reported for the 5:30. After getting my original story was rejected by the News Director, I covered a story on geocaching. It's when people use GPS systems to find random hidden things in places from graveyards to beaches. Even though she had pissed me off earlier in the day, my boss later complimented me saying she learned something from my pack.

On Thursday, I covered a local government agency allowing people to use their videoconferencing equipment to allow local military families to connect with their loved ones. Sitting in on one family's conversation, being a literal fly on the wall almost brought tears to my eyes. The ND said my writing "gave her goosebumps" and she said my voicetracking has improved. She said my pacing and emotion showed I was compassionate, thoughtful, and deliberate.

I love what Carole Simpson said the late ABC producer Eddie Pinder aimed to do, the same as newspaper publisher Finley Peter Dunne sought to do, "afflict the comfortable, and comfort the afflicted." That right there, is the mark of a balanced journalist.

Anyway back to the reason for the post at hand. I have been having a serious case or should I say cases of Deja Vu.

Sometimes it happens when I take naps like I did this evening. Other times it happens as I read a book, listen to a cd, or as I write e-mails to special people.

Anyway as I lie in bed thinking after waking up from my nap, I feel that I'm sometimes on the border of sounding like as (La, Wise, and J) might all say a "bitch dude."

I cringe at the thought.

Coming off as a "bitch dude" is sooo not a good look for 2007, or 2008 for that matter. Note to self: May 2008 is when this will all really begin to matter.

I just came to the realization that sometimes I'm more emotional than I should be. I KNOW, I KNOW for those who read me with any frequency, well you may have always known it. I say emotional to say as Judge Lynn Toler once said on "Divorce Court", "You feel faster than you think, we all do."

As I sit here I think on this. A friend wrote, "Sometimes you just need to be held. With no expectations....no conversation...just held....single life has it's moments."

Single life, sure as hell does have its moments. She was right, at this point I want to do some holding with no expectations, no conversation. I want to be one of two people who just exists in the moment free of fear, worry, or concern.

Til' next time. Peace.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

C.R.U.S.H.

In Rotation: Ciara "Crush"



Chrisette Michele "Golden"



Vivian Green "Cursed" (YouTube song/created slideshow)



Maxwell "This Woman's Work" (Actual MusicVideo)



Brian McKnight/Alicia Keys "Never Felt This Way" (YouTube song/created slideshow)



Ne-Yo "Let Go" (YouTube song/created slideshow)



Crushes are useless.



There's no need catching feelings, longing for, looking at, or becoming mad at someone who has no reason to care.



Relationships may require hard work but they are a better use of time.



Either man up or step off I guess.



Atleast be willing to go hard with someone who has a reason to care, and make things better for you.



The roommates and I have talked about the "futility" of crushes a lot. One roomie doesn't care about Illinois girls he's all about his Jersey girls. The other one whose from here has had bad luck with girls but has a serious crush on an Illinois girl. To see the energy this man put into a dinner for his crush, and another female friend. I didn't know whether to laugh, or applaud him.



It's made me think how the hell did I ever crush?



So now I will tell myself in a place where I'll be forced to see the words...



Crushes are useless.

There's no need catching feelings, longing for, looking at, or becoming mad at someone who has no reason to care.

Relationships may require hard work but they are a better use of time.

Either man up or step off.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

And Now a Word From Our Fellow Blogger Epsilonicus

"If I lived in Texas you'd be a godfather by now."
It all started with a text.
It was actually his way of sending out an S.O.S.
Well actually Eps first called me last night. He called to say his phone was working, and for me to call him back. That never happened yesterday. Unfortunately I was pissed off, and not feeling so well. I guess you could say more angry than sick. In fact the anger may be why I didn't feel so well. Now, as opposed to when I was younger, I sleep when angry. I just sleep it off. I put the phone on the charger, turn the ringer off. I put on the headphones, if I'm not tired. I tune something in, tune other things out. I drift off into sleep. I sleep it off. Why? As to avoid doing anything stupid or crazy.
So apparently Bestie #1 (he's #1 cause I met him first) didn't lose the phone, he just lost service in the phone. The dude was out hanging out and he got his phone wet. He had to wait until now for weeks he for it to dry out.
In that time they've made headway on their excavation. They're digging 10 cm length, 10 cm width, and 10 cm in depth, 100 cubic centimeters. Eps's crew is digging new the site of a 19th century home. The archaeologists and anthropologists in training believe they are at a site where a 1870's era house once stood. Eps's assignment is to dig near what he believes was the porch area. He says he's found broken glass and other clues. Another student is digging near a fireplace, and she's found things such as sewing needles. They definitely believe someone would sit near the fireplace and sew. Years of rain, dust, and nature taking its course has buried much of what they will now find.
Fascinating.

Eps and I circa 2005...I look the same..homeboy now has dreadlocks.
Even though I joke one best friend is poised to dig into people (med student possible surgeon), and another one is poised to dig in dirt (Eps the archaeology major).

KG and I circa 2005....he's the Univ. of Pennsylvania (Ivy League) bound med student.

I guess I shouldn't make fun cause I'll be digging up stories.
He also talked about being torn between his 2 girls from Eerie, 2 girls in Bmore, 2 girls in field school with him digging in dirt, and the locals.
"In town I see girls: white girls, black girls, they all have bubble butts."
I guess we know what that dude has on the brain.
I can't blame him his ex is straight tripping. He hates my "ideal woman". I claim his ex when she ain't tripping. He often calls her "your friend" when he ain't busy calling her just well, "her". But since they been in Texas, "her" has been tripping. I kind of sort of don't want to claim her.
"I be in Wal-mart like a kid in a candy store"..."How old is you, are you 18? Preferably 23, I need a girl with a job and some benefits who can help take care of me."
For some reason I don't think he was joking.
He says to send all our fellow bloggers, some blogger love. In 2.5 weeks, he says he'll be back in blogger world.
Editors Note: Notice the change in disposition with the two best friends. Note Eps is the clown, KG's the serious one. One keeps me grounded, the other keeps me focused. Balance, folks, balance. LoL.

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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

"The Pursuit of Happyness" : "What I Know For Sure"

As I approached 21 I thought about the places I still want to go, the books I want to read among them The Pursuit of Happyness by Chris Gardner and What I Know For Sure by Tavis Smiley, about the goods works I still have to do, and the growth that still needs to take place to help me reach "my level."

I am the manifestation of so many things, of what hasn't happened to me, as much as what has happened to me.

Truth be told society tells me I'm not supposed to be as successful as I am. I'm not supposed to be as driven. I'm not supposed to be the man I'm becoming.

Two months premature, grew up poor, black, and with a single mother. At times I questioned everything about myself, but I've always felt a stronger force at work in my life.

There are few things I know for sure but here are a few of them:

1) I am guided by a higher power.

Religion is sometimes more constricting than it is liberating. Spirituality is however a necessity. I know there have been times when I have seriously felt there was a force guiding me, and for that I am grateful. After all it has gotten me thus far.

2) I sincerely believe I am a great work in progress.

I can think back to many a moment when people have said amazing things that have propelled me and moved me forward.

My 2nd grade teacher Ms. Ray, God bless her soul. She saw me a year later in 3rd grade and said, "That's boys going to be somebody one day."

My 6th grade skills and issues teacher Mrs. Burt last year telling me, "You've already accomplished so much in your young life."

My other mother and mentor Mrs. Howell, "You're going to be good at whatever you do."

My "little sister" Lauren, "I'm going to buy you a Jesus book ... The Purpose Driven Life (which I own and have read) because that's what you have a purpose driven life."


3. I am empathetic and compassionate.

While I don't take no stuff. I look to people with an eye to always treat them with the respect they deserve. But if they try me, they don't get a reserved CNEL.

4. I am insightful.

I get that from my mama. She's the quiet type always thinking, reflecting, and putting things into perspective. Sometimes I can't sleep at night I'm too hyped just thinking.

5. I am too good a catch to be single.

I see the value in myself, I really love myself, not too the point where it's sickening. I love myself enough to know someone out there's missing out and needs to wise up. Maybe my future Ms. will see me on T.V.

*Bonus

5a. I'm smarter than I look, or sound when I open my mouth.

Enough said. It should be a scary and sobering thought. Good thing I use my intellect for good and not evil.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Crossing the Threshold




1. SoCo and Lime 2. The Internship Roomies Matt and Zach 3.Jess, John, & Heather 4. Kristie and I

I'm finally 21.
Wise and J ya'll would have been proud. I stepped out of the comfort zone and went out with the interns.


What I learned:

  • Everyone's nicer when you've had a bit to drink.
  • I have a high tolerance.
  • I'm a honest drunk.
  • I'm a talker when I've had a bit to drink. (That's the same when I'm sober except for if I'm mad or in shy mode.)
  • I still hold my own, stick to the script, and proclaim my thoroughness, maintain my allegiance to Bmore, and pledge to throw done like I'm from the East Coast.
  • I'm still respectable, responsible, and likeable.

No but really I enjoyed myself Saturday we went to a bar and hung out. Sunday we went to a Mexican restaurant where I had a taco salad. I then hung out with Mimi and talked. We watched "The Charm School" Reunion Show. Then we talked. We're some talkers, we go for hours. Friday = 10:30 til like 2:30 Sunday = 8:30 til 11:30.

If you want more details e-mail me haha.

But I'm good. I need to go to sleep now for like 5 hours because I co-produce the show tomorrow, and anchor the taped nightly cut-in.

Have a good week :-).

Friday, July 06, 2007

Life Update

(I took this picture 7 weeks ago thinking I maybe wouldn't see the anchor desk again.)

Well life is funny sometimes.

Glad many of you enjoyed the 8 part series, but back to reality now.

Surreal = the fact that I'm turning 21 on Sunday.

Nervous= about beginning the new two week work rotation.

Over the course of the next two weeks:
I co-produce 1 day a week.
I anchor the taped 5 min night cut-in and 1 min morning cut-in 3 days a week.
I report 2 days a week.
I fill-in anchor the 30 min live newscast 1 day next week.
I run one of the studio camera two days a week.
I shoot and edit a pack one day a week.

My resume tape is okay, but I have to do some standups I haven't done any that were very good. Maybe LoCo T.V. will get off the ground and I can do some things.

As for here thank God I paid my dues and am off weekends for forever, I think. I hope for forever. All I want is to just lay around play my music, read my books, talk on the phone, write when my laptop acts right.I've enjoyed the last few weeks being co-producer, news writer, and Friday cut-in anchor.

Truth be told I miss the East Coast, I miss home, I miss my family, I miss my friends.

Speaking of friends, those of you who know Eps. He's still in Texas doing field work. Yes, he's digging in dirt. I've heard from him via letters. Sadly he lost his cell phone, and won't get a replacement until he's back in Bmore. I thought he was supposed to be digging stuff up not burying things, but he must have forgotten this himself.

Overall this summer I've learned a lot, grown a bit, and challenged myself. Now I'm ready to speed through until August.
Have a great weekend folks.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

"Harvard Girl" A Story in Multiple Parts: The Finale

After we had that conversation I became more hopeful that at ther very least my actions would no longer be misinterpreted.

While I knew I came on strong, was very persistent, I never wanted my actions to be seen as disrespectful.

Shortly after "Harvard Girl" gave me the ride home, she IMed me.

That blew my mind. Back then during high school, and immediately after high school it was harder to get people's screen names than it was to get their cell numbers.

Once school started I kept in touch. When I saw her I would speak and smile. Occasionally I would send her an e-mail just to check in.

For Valentine's Day last year I did what I generally due I sent her a carnation, and a singing telegram. She like she had done for the two years prior to that made sure to say thank you. I heard from my smiles that for a moment she broke the focused look, and smiled.

This year she got the Facebook gift. She sent me a message saying thank you.

"Happy Valentine's Day Chris, remember there is no higher love than the love of God which he showers on us everyday, Be Blessed :)"

Unlike India.Arie she said nothing about seeing God in me. I'm wise enough to know that I cannot and should not compete with God.
She only saw her trinity her faith, her family, her friends.

Still there was no room for me.

"Harvard Girl" just completed her first year at Harvard.

In that time we've stayed in touch, but nothing has happened. When we talk its always about school, work, mutual friends, our community service, never us, never romance.

She's undergone yet another transformation reverting back to her Nigerian name, and wearing natural hair. Through it all she remains focused.

Says my "sister", one of her best friends when asked if she could "see it?"

"...ummm she's too focused right now, plus yall are far apart.And i know first hand that distance does NOT work. But later on in life, I could see it."

I don't know if I can ever break into the trinity. It now seems I won't have a love story which allows me to have my ideal.

This is not a story about seeing a pair of legs or a backside and chasing after it, it's about chasing what I didn't see. It's about wanting beneath the surface to really learn about someone.

"Unrequited love is real valid agony. And no one has a right to rob you of it so cheaply." The article continued, "Unrequited love is the very pain of God. The Crucifix is a snapshot of unrequited love. God doesn’t minimize this pain."

I went back to my classes in Theology for a moment. I'm not Catholic, so Catholic school must finally be getting to me.

It's taking a little Theology, Philosophy, Psychology, and Sociology for me to understand it all.

No one has the right to end your agony, but you. Ideals are our ideas of perfection, and while sometimes we have the ability to see some ideals come to be. Other times we won't always get what we want. It's about accepting what life has to offer, and deciding when to move on.

"Harvard Girl" is still out there, and I'm still here.

We're not together.

I think finally I may be willing to accept that it might not happen.

While the saying goes something to the effect of, "find the man willing to make a fool of himself and find a love for a lifetime."

I think I may be unwilling to play the fool anymore.

THE END.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

"Harvard Girl" A Story in Multiple Parts Pt. 7

That first summer I was back on the board she was about to be a senior in high school.

I was about to be a sophomore in college.

It turned out I was making a bigger deal out of everything than she was.

She could care less. She wasn't doing anything to me. She wasn't even thinking about me like that. I was driving myself crazy over her.

I would speak, make conversation, ask about school, talk about mutual friends, and be cordial. I treaded carefully as not to overstep any bounds.

Before summer was over. We'd once again have the chance to be alone. I'd once again see her shell soften.

After one of our board meetings, I was intent on bolting. I was going to take a walk around downtown and then head home.

"Chris where are you going?" she asked.
"Home," I said tersely.
"Oh," she replied.
"Why?" I asked.
"I was going to offer you a ride?"
Sheeeiiiiit. I ain't crazy.

Ya'll know I got happy. I won't deny that instant happy high, euphoria people, euphoria.

I had an in.

"Oh okay if you don't mind."

I hopped in the little Civic. The two of us made small talk from being new drivers, to everything from SATs to college choices.

Talk turned to high school, how stupid I was.

"Don't say that, I wouldn't change those times for anything," she said.

Before I exited the car, she would say three words that meant so much to me.

"Chris, I'm sorry."

There was no need to be specific. I knew what she meant. I knew then that at some point she had seen all my efforts for what it was.

Even though I had perhaps been too persistent, she knew enough to say those words, to smile, and to make me smile.

For those three words I remain grateful, I was atleast partly redeemed.

To be continued...

Coming soon...THE FINALE.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

"Harvard Girl" A Story in Multiple Parts Pt. 6

Me...the summer after I graduated college...before I started at LoCo.
My freshman year of college I found myself at a crossroads.

I had already resigned from the board in order to focus on my first year of college.

I had a rough beginning. I almost immediately regretted the decision to go to LoCo, I strongly disliked my roommate, I wasn't able find a niche and I did not make many friends.

By winter break I was so unsure of what the future held. I wanted some sort of stability. I thought that, that stability would come in the form of a romantic relationship.

I ended up beginning a short-lived relationship with the only other girl who had made me so enamored. She was the only other girl who I felt could make me make a fool of myself, and me not give it a second thought. The ironic thing about our relationship is that I met "the ex" before I even knew "Harvard Girl". "The ex" was my next door neighbor, and best friends with one of my cousin's. We played the cat and mouse game throughout high school. Never did I think anything would come of it. Something did become of the game playing and the flirting. I found myself growing to love her.

The concept of falling in love is one I steer clear of, because I don't think it right. If you fall into something, you can climb out. If you climb out, you can walk away. You don't just walk away from true love. Atleast in my opinion.

During those months I truly felt contented, felt I knew love. Then it ended without warning, without any clue. I instantly cut her off. I never heard her explanation for why things went south. I only knew that if she could let go that easily, she couldn't have loved me as I loved her.

I had never been so hurt in my life. I had never been so embarrassed.

The school year would end. I made it through without cracking.

I decided to rejoin the board, to give back to Bmore, and take my mind off of my feelings of disdain for LoCo.

Once I rejoined the board, I once again came face to face with "Harvard Girl".

So many people knew by now of my failed attempts. They encouraged me to try, try, and try again. Yet they couldn't see why I had developed such feelings for someone who did not feel the same way for me.

It was an unrequited love.

To be continued....

Sidebar to Pt. 5

Sidebar to part five. The day of prom I went to the hospital for dehydration.

You see the day of prom I had a job interview downtown. In all the excitement of getting to the interview and getting back home to get ready for prom, I didn't eat or drink.

I had the interview and it went okay. I went to catch the bus back home.

On the bus stop I felt myself getting dizzy. There was no empty space on a bench, I put myself up against the wall. I could see two buses one of which I was sure was mine. I felt more faint. I turned to the person next to me and asked them to tell me if the # 15 came. I felt myself sliding down the wall. I ended up fainting.

I was out for all of 15 secs. It was long enough for the bus to come, board, and pull off. As I got up my bus turned the corner.

I picked myself up, dusted the grit off.

No one helped me up. Even though was a 17 year old high school student they probably assumed I was on drugs or something.

I made my way to a bench. This man brought me a bottled water. I sat on the bench trying to gather myself.

Someone called the ambulance. They came looking for someone who fainted. Then I reluctantly said it was me. They took my pulse, my hands were ice cold yet clammy. They asked did I want to go to the hospital. I said no I had a prom to go to. The EMT said look you need to go with us. He said either us or them, and pointed to a cop car. A cop car never a good look. This woman gave me her cell I called my mom told her what had happened.

They helped me into the ambulance, got me on the stretcher, and started pumping me up full of fluid. I went to the hospital and spent almost three hours there.

The doctors asked if I was trying to lose weight for prom. How much weight can I lose in a day? I thought to myself. Hell no. I was too busy to eat.

I got released, went to Wendy's, went home, showered, got dressed, went to my aunt's, and got my limo and road solo.

We got shuttled to afterprom so I was coo.

Monday, July 02, 2007

"Harvard Girl" A Story in Multiple Parts Pt. 5



Throughout senior year I called myself trying to get over "Harvard Girl" I expressed interest in other girls.

Still in the back of my mind existed thoughts of me and her.

To say our encounters were awkward would be a tremendous understatement.

One of her best friends was my "play sister". There was no need for me to try to avoid her, I simply couldn't. I refused to forsake my friendships just so I would go without being forced to see her.

At one point early on many of us started thinking about prom.

I wondered if "Harvard Girl" would go with me? Risky? Yeah.

I thought she might be open to the idea. Her besties Devin "my play sister", Mia, and Lita were all going. They all had boyfriends who were either juniors or seniors.

She expressed interest but was concerned about cash flow. Since she was a sophomore, she'd have two other opportunities to go, so her moms wouldn't necessarily be enthused about spending money on a prom which wasn't hers.

She ended up saying she couldn't go.

As much as I was disappointed, I didn't push her.

We continued to remain just friends. We made a little headway. Our encounters became less awkward, though I became much more reserved.

She would catch a ride with me to board meetings.

One time we were stranded because my ride got delayed. We decided to go back to school on the subway. The plan was to get to the end of the line, a mile away from our school, and call a friend to pick us up.

I called my ride and said we'd get back on our own, it was "Harvard Girl"s suggestion. As soon as I got off the phone, she had second doubts, said it was a joke, and that her mom would kill her for doing it.

I told her I had done it before, and that I'd keep her safe. We got the money we needed, and walked to the subway.

We road the subway for thirty minutes. We talked about life, growing up, and our future plans. She said that she wanted to be a doctor so that she could help people. She maintained that her faith, her family, and her friends were her own personal trinity. I grew to respect her steadfastness, her devotion, her consistency. Her word was her bond. That drive, that
passion, it got to me. I sat listening intently. And ya'll know how hard it is for me to just listen. It
was just me and her, and finally she felt she could open up, if only a little.

We made it to the end of the line. We couldn't get a hold of our friend, so we walked. We walked the mile together in the cold. We came up to the hill which led us back onto campus. As we came over we both slipped and fell in the mud. I helped her up. We laughed, and she made me promise not to tell anyone.

As we approached the dorms, we saw a dorm parent. He was nosey as hell, and thought we were coming from doing something we weren't supposed to be doing. We WEREN'T.

We ended up not going to prom together.

On that night hot June night in 2004 I ended up going it solo. I looked hella fly, especially given the fact that I spent three hours in the hospital with an IV stuck in my arm due to dehydration. My pics looked good thanks to my friend Loryn. If you ever need a someone to take prom pics with, go with the girls who rocking a black dress. It worked out fine for me. I had fun. I got caught on video tape doing a dance which shall not be mentioned ever again.

I didn't see Harvard girl again for a while until the next fall.

I was a freshman in college, supposedly on to bigger and better things.

So I called it being over...

I tried to get my fixation, fascination, infatuation, the endless dream to end.

I called myself waking up to reality. I wasn't completely able to wake up though, because you know when you first wake up, you feel groggy. Your mind isn't always clear.

I wasn't all there.

I still couldn't get a clear view of my reality...

To be continued...


Still to come parts 6, and 7, and the "finale".

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Sunday, July 01, 2007

"Harvard Girl" A Story in Multiple Parts Pt. 4

Classes ended, and exams were over.

I thought my year was over.

While attending graduation at my school was mandatory, I was atleast supposed to have a few days off between moving off campus, and coming back to school for the graduation.

People had other plans for me.

I had recently been elected President of the Honor Council, the body charged with educating people about, and also enforcing the Honor Code. It turns out I would have a major hearing. I would preside over the hearing, and also be the voice of the council who informed the administration of our decision.

That particular hearing was tough because I knew the accused, I knew about the alleged incident, and much more. Still I went into my first hearing as President plegding to be focused, to be objective, and to be fair.

It would be easy it was work, I was always about my business.

Life rarely happens that easy, guess who had recently been elected to represent her class on the Honor Council. Sitting in the hearings I was already sick to my stomach. Presiding over hearings made me extremely nervous. I'm talking sweaty palms, anxiety, the works. I knew I had earned the right to be there, was more than capable of holding my own, had earned people's respect, and that people also admired me for my personal integrity. Still I felt a tremendous responsibility rested on my shoulders.

Add to my already nervous feelings the fact that SHE was in my PRESENCE and it didn't help
After the hearing, after the deliberations, we said nothing to each other. When eye contact was made I'd look down. I didn't want her to see the look of longing in my eyes. I couldn't shake it, shake what I was somehow feeling.

For some reason, this confident boy becoming a man, became shy when it involved this petite girl, four years my junior. But with her it was NOT about WHAT I WAS, it wasn't about age, it wasn't about titles,it was about WHO I was. I wanted the chance to prove to her that all that mattered was what could be between us.

After that day I thought I wouldn't see her again until I was a senior.

Wrong again.

It had totally slipped my mind that she had applied to become a member of the same board that I had joined the year before. She'd been turned onto the board by me. Why? I had seen her passion for giving back, and helping others.

Once she joined the board my best friend Epsi became acquainted with her. He failed to see why I was so enamored, but it didn't matter to me. Our boys can't always see what we see. At a certain point it also doesn't really matter.

We saw each other maybe once or twice over the summer for board meetings. After meetings she dipped out. I floated around elsewhere until I was sure she was gone. No one knew why I was "acting funny" and thankfully they didn't pick up on it until later.

It turns out some people would soon find out, before my senior year even began. And no, I didn't tell them all.

To be continued...

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