Impossible is Impossible

This blog is my way of reflecting upon life. Life is about living and learning. As I live and learn I’m going to reflect upon this life I lead. Hopefully I'll offer something insightful with my postings. If you learn nothing else from me, know this that “impossible is impossible”.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

"Harvard Girl" A Story in Multiple Parts Pt. 3

Listening: Teedra Moses, "Loves Gonna Be", The Young Lioness
As the year went on I became more drawn to her.

We both had to focus on school work.

I was busy trying to set myself on the right track for college.

"Harvard Girl" was trying to get her high school career off to a good start.

I knew how much it took to be in the position we were in, and that some people despite our youth saw romance as a distraction.

I tried only not to embarrass myself in front of her.

The only time I've ever really been shy or unsure of myself has been when its come to women. It's not that I don't know them growing up with my mother, grandmother, aunts, sister, and cousins. It's just that I never quite know how they'll react to me.

Fastforward from the fall of '02 to the spring of '03.

I called myself becoming bold.

I did what I do took pen to paper. I called myself penning this amazing love letter. I told the girl since the moment I'd say her I'd found her intriguing, and some more jazz. Then I asked if she wanted to be my girlfriend. No, not if she wanted to date, talk, get to know each other better, if she wanted to be my girlfriend.

Then here's the kicker. I didn't give her the letter. I sent it through a third party.

The next day she began avoiding me.

Then I followed up with an e-mail when I didn't receive a response.

Me:Hey Baby Girl,
No response to my letter? On Friday you said I was funny, did you think I was joking? I truly meant everything I said. Just tell me something."Chris I want to stay just friends," "Chris I can't have a boyfriend," "Chris let's just talk (or e-mail)," "Chris I'm unsure of everything." Just tell mesomething. I promise I can deal with whatever it is. Smile :-), even if it hurts!! I'm already 0-2 don't let me be 0-3, I'll tell you later.
Ya Boy,CNEL

Her:Hey baby girl my foot do no call me that. When Mia read me that letter we both just thought it was dunny (funny)we was rollin i was like i hope your notserious. Chris you sounded like a stalker/ child molester. I did not come to school to have a boyfriend i came to school to focus on my futurecause i know that i'm goin somewhere. I am not being emotionally attached to anyone but my girls Mia, Devin, Tiff, and Lita cause they the only ones itruly care about at (school). They my only true friends who i love dearly.Peace Out, "Harvard Girl".

Reading it now it's funny as hell. I'm like boy was I stupid. But that didn't stop me. I gave it the summer. I let it be then I came again during my senior year. One let down wasn't enough it seems.

To be continued...

Friday, June 29, 2007

"Harvard Girl" A Story In Multiple Parts Pt. 2

It all began way back in 2002.

I was about to begin my junior year of high school. She was about to begin her freshman year.

The day we met was September 2, 2002.

It was significant because it marked the day I moved on campus for yet another year of prep school. It's so funny because every year I said wasn't coming back and every year I did.

Every year I encountered some sort of surprise.

Looking back my time wasn't really that bad, in fact more often than not it was great.

That day I remembered I walked over to the girl's dorm to check in, and to get my keys.
Standing there was this petitie, young, fresh faced girl and her mother. I didn't think much of her except to say hi. Later, when they drove past me I smiled and I waved.

The next day school started, and we went about our business. I'd see her at breakfast, occasionally lunch, and then I'd see her again at dinner.
We had many of the same friends because at our school the black kids hung tight. I was also Vice President/ Secretary of the Black Awareness Club (Black Student Association). By semester's end our President was busy trying to be too much like Bill Clinton while he was in office, if you know what I mean. I ended up de facto President so it was my job to know or know of all the African-American students.

"Harvard Girl" as she is now known was quiet. She was reserved. She was focused. She was driven. She was about her business. Everyone liked her, but few of us really knew her. I knew that she was only 13 when she came to high school, because she had been skipped. I knew that she was of Nigerian parentage. I would learn that I had gone to school with one of her older brothers. I would learn that I had applied to middle school with another one of her brothers.

As time passed I came to see her as gorgeous her skin the color of a darker chocolate, her eyes someone once said were "chinky", she had full cheeks, a sweet voice, and an amusing laugh.

Her work ethic, her drive, and her passion were ALWAYS on display. When we had the rare opportunity to talk you could tell that she had a maturity beyond her 13 years, that she respected herself, that she loved her family, that she was spiritual, and that she was loyal to friends.

Still there wasn't a connection, it was if she were afraid to let anyone in. The more I came to see, the less I felt as though she wanted anyone in. There was something that maybe she wasn't necessarily hiding, but that no one was seeing. For all intents and purposes, she was a mystery to me. Yet, I was drawn to her. I wanted in even more than before.

There was a challenge before me. I didn't want to wear her down. I just wanted her to let me in.
To be continued...

Labels: , , , , , ,

Thursday, June 28, 2007

"Harvard Girl" A Story In Multiple Parts Pt. 1

"Maybe God knows something you don't know."

Now that part I don't doubt. The thought continues however.

"Maybe God knows that if you have a girl in your life, you'll lose all your focus."

Now that's a crock of you no what. I can rationalize and get behind a lot of statements, but not that one. There is no way I'd give so much of myself, to lose myself, and to lose sight of my goals and my objectives.

Now the other day I talked about how my mentor encouraged me to reach out to "Harvard Girl." She told me that given my locale for the summer,I should e-mail her. I may be a little slow on the uptake sometimes, but that's just dumb.

Anyway my mentor's reaction was different than most people. She felt the need to encourage. Others have felt the need not to discourage but to lessen my expectations, which isn't one in the same. Lessened expectations allow for the possibility, outright discouragement doesn't.

As I've said here before my best friend Epsi thinks I need to get over it. The other best friend Kenny is just a skeptic. In Epsi's mind it's been nearly five years and nothing has happened. In Kenny's mind some girls just never see what's right in the front of them. It wasn't until I typed five years that, that I realized just how long a time its been since we first met. Eps has said more than once, "It's useless for you to care about someone, who acts like you don't exist." Point taken, but that doesn't stop that thing my mind does. It doesn't stop my mind from smiling at the thought. Yes, it's rather simple minded of me, but it boils down to me liking her, and her not liking me. Atleast if she does like me even a smidgeon she has never been willing to openly admit it to me.

In the five years we've had some glimmer of hopes. Glimmers of hope I'll get to a bit later in the series. There was the possibility she'd allow me to escort her to my senior prom. There was the time she gave me the ride home, and the awkward two word exchange that almost had me in tears, there was the "thank you" after the carnations and the singing telegrams.

But still nothing has happened.

There have been others who have made their way into my realm. There was the ex who my mother loved whose now someone's mother, there was the "Cuddle Buddy", there was the junior year crush of my college experience, but still none have given me that feeling.
No experience since that time five years ago when I first met "Harvard Girl" have I had that feeling of rightness.

To be continued...

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Are You Trying to Set Me Up For Failure?

Like the best thing in the world for me right now:

PHONE CALLS FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS.

I talk to my momma just about everyday unless my work schedule prohibits me from making the call at a decent hour, or I think she's busy visiting my sick aunt in Texas.

Aside from that I talk to either my aunt/godmother, my sister, or a few of my cousins a few times during the week.

As for friends: the best friend Epsi is occupied in Texas, the other best friend Kenny calls me when he isn't preparing for medical school, taking vacation days or observing plastic surgeries. My other friends call three times a week.

Today I got two important calls one from my friend Linda who I went to college with freshman year, and one from my friend Loryn who I went to high school with. Loryn's the one who was in that serious ATV accident. She's doing much better, but still not 100%. I was happy to talk to both of them because we'd been playing phone tag given my working weekend hours.

The call which prompted this post took place Monday evening.

I called one of the mentors, Sharon, who was an administrator at my high school. Since graduation Sharon and I have talked atleast once a month. Even when she took a sabattical she made time for me. It's so crazy because at first her husband didn't appreciate me or my besty Kenny calling his house. He's since come to expect it, accept it, and see it as quite natural.

He knows that Sharon saw in us the potential to validate her life's work. She had always sought to educate students not just about academics, but about life. Had it not been for her we would have not have committed ourselves to being men for others. It was my middle school's motto, but it didn't become part of my life until high school. Our relationship is so much more than a teacher and student. She actually helped me to develop an affinity for diversity work. In many ways she enabled me to become a leader.

Truth be told, Sharon is like another mother to me. She calls me and Kenny the sons she never had. Sharon and I talk about everything from career craziness, to relationships, you name it. I will never forget one day we were riding along and somehow ended up talking about whether or not condoms really break. I damn near died in the passenger's seat.

Anywho Sharon brings up my ultimate crush, the ideal, "HARVARD GIRL".

Sharon knows both of us and says, "Why don't you send her an e-mail?"

I think to myself, Sharon are you trying to set me up for failure?

I explain to her that Epsi is against the idea, Kenny laughs at the idea, one of my closest female friends Lauren thinks I need to get over it, fast.

I tell Sharon its out of the question. I know she wants to see me happy, but unlike her I don't see it as a 50-50 shot. We already had some odd encounters.

Maybe I'll share with you guys the history of my infatuation, fixation, daydream turned night dream turned eternal dream which involves "HARVARD GIRL" in my next post.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

WALK A MINUTE IN MY SHOES, JUST A MINUTE

Generally speaking I am a pretty easy going person. The only time I really get really riled up is either a) when I’m excited or b) when I’m pissed beyond belief.

My philosophy when walking into most situations is this:
“I am not here to be liked. I’m here to learn. I’m here to be respected.”

Part of the reason I feel the way that I do is because as my mother would walk my twin sister, and I to school, she would say:
"I'm sending you to school to get an education. You can socialize afterwards."

She also taught us that there are friends and there are associates, and there's a big difference between the two.

When I express my philosophy, sometimes people take it the wrong way. It’s not that I write people off before even interacting with them. It’s not that I’m not open to new friendships. It’s not that I don’t realize that some of the most rewarding relationships start off as challenges. It’s really that I am comfortable with WHO I AM. I won’t change who I am to appease anybody. I am however willing to adjust to other people so that I might learn from them and learn about them.

There is only one thing I will not tolerate and that is DISRESPECT.

After the horrible day on Friday I decided to pay my News Director a visit.

In our conversation I was honest, I was blunt, and I was forthright about what I called “the worst day of my professional career.”

I think she was taken aback because we rarely talk 1 on 1, I closed her door, I was serious as a heart attack, I would not back down, and according to people we had a closed door meeting of likely over half an hour.

I told her everything that happened from my perspective.

I enumerated the problems I had or have had.

1. I think it disrespectful that people failed me by not helping me to be properly prepared to anchor. (EVEN THOUGH I NOW REALIZE I SHOULD HAVE CHECKED THEM ABOUT IT , WAY BEFORE THE SHOW.)
2. I think it disrespectful that people then proceeded to rush me, blame me for problems, both without consulting me.
3. I think that people need to learn to talk to people in a way which is not condescending, demeaning, derogatory or disrespectful.
4. I think people need to abandon the egos. You will not be a bitch or a bastard to me and think you’re going to get away with it. Homie don’t play that.
5. I think people need to realize that because we come from different backgrounds we have different levels of experience, and we can’t disregard or negate what another person knows.
6. I think that frustration isn’t an excuse to lash out at people.
7. I think that sometimes it’s an us against them mentality. The interns from other parts of the country are “outsiders”, and the interns from this station are “insiders”. That defeats the purpose of having other people come here.
8. I think that people are too willing to accept praise without accepting blame. (I ADMIT WHEN I'M WRONG. IF I MESS UP I STAY UNTIL I GET IT DONE.)
9. I think that people need to know that their actions affect others, and that be selfish, or have selfish motivations.
10. I think that people need to remember that we are all adults.

While I can fight my own battles, as the leader of the group she needs to be aware of what is going on. As the leader, the mentor, the coach, and the head trainer she needs to be a support system for me or whoever else, point blank. At times she made it clear to me that she felt that I was being overly sensitive. Point taken, but that doesn’t change what HAPPENED or how I FELT afterwards. At times she tried to partly justify people LASHING OUT at others due to frustration, which in turn made me feel LESS THAN, made me feel DISRESPECTED, and made me feel quite CRUDDY. (I did tell her I felt cruddy!) Point taken, but you can’t take your frustrations out on people. In the workplace it’s UNPROFESSIONAL. Imagine people coming to my shop, me being a trainer, sure I’d get frustrated, but I would never disrespect them. Disrespect gets you nowhere. Disrespect gets you people who can’t focus on the job because they’re too pissed off to care.

At the end of the day after co-producing as I sat next to her during our post-show meeting, she did something which surprised the hell out of me. She acknowledged my concerns insisting that we respect one another, talk to one another in a way which is appropriate, are sensitive to people’s feelings, that we not have unchecked egos, that we acknowledge people’s talents, that we not be selfish, and that we work together. SHE GOT IT. It didn’t at all feel that way but SHE GOT IT. It was surreal to here her saying so much of what I said to her earlier in the day. My roommates said you could tell she had talked to me. While at times I didn’t feel like she heard me. I think having the rest of the day to think about our 30-40 minute conversation, and being shocked and taken aback by my candor made her realize I was not backing down, not changing my mind. At times I get a little bit BMORE BRAVE but I was composed and articulate. She realized that no matter her perspective she had to see things in part from my perspective.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Epsi and My's Adventures

Many of you know one of my two best friends. One of the two men who are like brothers to me. One of them is a fellow blogger. Gary aka Epsilonicus and I have known each other for nearly eleven years. We went to the same middle school. Imagine this, some sixty-five or so boys mostly black but with a few Hispanic, Native American, and Caucasian faces sprinkled throughout, coming together in search of one thing, a quality education. It was billed as an opportunity for us to gain academic enrichment as well as life skills. Our common bond, we were all and most of us are to this day intelligent, ambitious, driven, responsible, passionate, and focused. We came from low-income, disadvantaged, poor families however you want to call it.

What connected us and our lives was that together with our families sometimes mothers and fathers, mostly mothers, grandmothers, grandfathers, and extended families committed to do what it took for us to elevate ourselves and our lives. We were determined to give ourselves an opportunity to benefit from an education which would allow us to surpass the offerings of our troubled public schools. It started with Saturday enrichment classes for about three hours on Saturday morning's from January until April. This I still remember it consisted of waking up getting dressed, eating breakfast, a drive by my granddad, or a bus ride with my mom to the Academy. This was literally a way of improving our skills, but also a way of testing us to see if we could make it at St. I. Then those who survived were offered spots in a month long summer program in July. This was that second test to see if you could make it at the Academy.

I still remember how I met Eps. There was Adrian this kid who also wanted to attend St. I. Adrian was smart like the rest of us, Adrian also liked clowning. Adrian and I used to after summer class go by the store, then take the bus home. Adrian one day introduced me to Gary. Gary and I stayed friends. Through three years of middle school we got to know each other. Now that I think about it the one time I was really mad at that negro was when he said something about my mom. I wanted to knock his behind out. We got over it. We would hang out after school before we went to the bus stop, we'd call each other, compare homework notes. This fool got me into my first long distance relationship. HaHa her name was Angel and within the period of like two months she had dated me, Gary, and another guy we went to middle school with Devin. HaHa that brings back memories. I would never live down dating someone I had never seen. LoL we phone dated for like a month I think. HaHa. We were dumb in middle school.

When 8th grade came we did what St. I boys do. We went to high school fairs and applied to about as many high schools as some people apply to colleges. Gary chose to attend one prep school in north Baltimore. His high school had more of a reputation for being academically challenged, but more inclined to be artistic, free thinkers, and peace makers (a Quaker school. I chose to attend a non-sectarian 5 day boarding school in Baltimore County, a school which sits on 8 acres, has its own horse barn, and tons of other stuff. I definitely have pride in my high school. I still consult them on diversity matters.

Going from an all-male, mostly black Catholic school to elite private schools was a different experience. Academically we were prepared. Socially we had to adjust. Going to separate schools separated us for a bit. Then in my sophomore year of high school Gary nominated me to serve on the board of a youth grantmaking organization. He was already on the board when I joined. This meant we saw each other a few times a month. Then as time went on and diversity advocacy became my forte we'd see each other at local diversity conferences too. We called each other, we e-mailed each other, we served in the community together. We kept close ties. We were a support system for each other. Few people can understand the sacrifices we made to get where we are today. Yet we get each other. I respect him, admire him, aspire to be like him IN SOME REGARDS, he could learn from me in others.

Now we're about to be seniors in college, but one thing stands in our way. Summer.

It hit me the other day as I read his letter from a hot Florence, Texas, that we've accomplished so much in the twenty years we've been on this planet. It amazed me how far we've come as we've journeyed from boys to men. He wrote of the challenges working 10 hour days, of feeling alone, of lack of communication, and prejudice "My dog has never seen a black person before" yes some woman told him that. On the up side he's decided he may find his future wife in Texas, as long as the wedding's in Maryland. He's also excited to be doing research, to be completing an actual dig.

I know my "first" best friend can make it because he's a strong black man.

Real friendships are hard to come by, luckily I have many. Epsi and I have added a mutual friend to the crew. I have two best friends now, yea, I upgraded during high school. Good thing my two best friends also like each other.

Epsi's doing it big.

My other bestie Kenny is headed to the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine this fall.

Watch out cause between the three of us there's a future journalist, a future archaeologist, anthropologist, and professor, and a future M.D.

Labels: , , , , , , ,

Almost the Day From Hell

Listening: Chrisette Michele, "Your Joy"
Doing: Blogging, Flipping Channels, Wondering Why I Woke Up After Only 5 Hours of Sleep

Thinking: About Going Home, My Momma, My Family, My Friends, Shooting and Editing Later Today, My Campaign, My Career, Lack of a Love Life

Yesterday was almost the day from hell.

I had to be at work at 7am and woke up at 6:56. Work is about a five minute walk.

All I had time to do was throw on some clothes, and wash my face.

I made it to work by 7:10.

My day went well until about 12:00 when it seems I forgot to do part of my job for the morning. I ended up staying until about 12:30. Why? Because I'm responsible and respect the contributions I make to what we do.

Then I went to the ATM. Then I picked up my computer from the shop. I spent $75 on something I could have apparently done myself. The good news is, its working for the most part. Prayers offered up, fingers crossed.

Then I grabbed lunch a cheese steak sub, and an iced tea. When it says iced and tea, I think sweetened, and I hate when restaurants think otherwise.

I came home checked e-mail, and downloaded a few songs.

I showered, and got dressed. I was looking quite dapper. Ivory jacket, blue and white checkered shirt, yellow tie, khakis, and brown (chocolate colored) slip ons.

Then I went back to work and ran the audio board for the first time. I wasn't HORRIBLE but I wasn't EXCELLENT.

After that I was supposed to anchor the 5 minute taped cut-in which plays around 10:00pm, and the 1 min taped cut-in which plays the next morning. Generally whoever anchors it, produces it as well. That was not the case this time, I wasn't assigned to and I didn't. Whoever produced didn't have my scripts done. So I had to do them myself. As I finished, someone came in to rush me. I flipped out and brought a little too much Baltimore to Illinois. I said a whole lot of m fer's so I was told. I was so heated I didn't remember. I mean how dare people in the control room rush me because someone else didn't do their job. Dang it take freaking responsibility, and don't put it off on anyone else. Yes, it's Friday. Yes people want to go home, but don't you dare put it all on me.

Then as I sat on set, someone got upset because there was one story in the script for the 1 minute show. They asked was I supposed to do it? I said no, why because I knew for a fact that I wasn't. That sent me off again. One co-worker later said she could see on the monitor how p o'ed I was. She told people in the control room because obviously they were oblivious to it. They still didn't get the point.

In the meeting I defended myself because I hate being accused of not doing my job or being unprofessional.

Might I add this crap I had to do with is usually avoided when the News Director is in. Let her take a personal day, and then people show their behinds. Ticked me the heck off.

Then I had to make two points. THIS IS WHERE I LOST COOL POINTS. I was a little chocked up as I lectured and ranted in a post-show meeting with my fellow interns on 1) talking to people in a way which is demeaning, degrading, condescending or disrespectful and 2) not taking responsibility and being accountable, people don't communicate then stuff goes wrong, and they are unwilling to accept blame, they only want to take credit when something goes right.

That irks me beyond belief.

I ended up walking back to our apartment complex and talking with the two black female interns. Then we decided we'd watch "The Boys of Baraka" together. Then people's pre-gaming began. They insisted we come over to one of the intern's houses though none of us drink. We sat on the coach bored, and thinking why did we come? It's tricky, you get accused of being anti-social but truth be told you're not socializing. AGAIN, I ASK WHO DRINKS BEER. Yuck. The "sister" interns agree. Who blasts the same song for an hour saying its power hour and we take shots of NASTY BEER every minute? WHAT?! You're feeling a bit uncomfortable, everyone else is drinking, talking crap, and doing dumb stuff. Then you think I could be this bored, but in the comforts of my own apartment.

What Friday taught me, I don't like running the gamut of emotions from fiery to cracking voice. Luckily in spite of my being expressive, I didn't loose cool points with the "sisters", that's all that matters LoL. One of them told me I should earn an Academy Award haha. In hindsight I was a bit dramatic.

Labels: , , , , , , ,

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Breaking News

So the station is covering that hostage situation at a
bank in Arcola, Illinois.

Yes it's in our viewing area. Though I'm not in a
major city I am telling you WE COVER CRIME.

How about the things we'll do to get a story?

What'd the ND tell the co-worker?

Call the BANK.

What'd he do?

He called the bank.

What'd he ask the SUSPECT?

In addition to some obvious questions such as what's
going on, are you in contact with POLICE? What do you
want the public to know?

All the news junkies are like yea breaking news.

Aw, the excitement of T.V. news.



____________________________________________________________________________________
Bored stiff? Loosen up...
Download and play hundreds of games for free on Yahoo! Games.
http://games.yahoo.com/games/front

Just Sitting Here

Sitting in the library, chilling out before I head in to the station.

Reflecting on something I read, "Keep your expectations about people so low that you'll always be surprised and never disappointed."

I am realizing that I am a bit of an asshole at times. Yesterday one of my co-workers asked why I never hang out with them. We just don't mesh. Their idea of a good time and my idea of a good time are two completely different things. And yes I have given it a chance, and umm it failed. While I know the value of being out of my comfort zone and doing new things. There needs to be a limit. I still need time to be true to me. I am a firm believer in taking "me time." That involves everyday after 7:30 and before I begin my next day.

My response to the inquiry elaborated on my position, "Please don't take this the wrong way. This might sound bad, but after spending eight hours with you guys, I don't want to see you. I don't want to see ya'll, I need a break."

Atleast I was honest.

The good thing is I get along with my roommates for the most part. Though I had a dream I had a physical confrontation with one of them two nights ago. I'm really hoping that wasn't a reflection of my subconscious mind. HaHa.

Anyways, we're almost done another week. Sadly, I must work Saturday. I'm a photog for the next three weekends. I loved my news director until she did that...

Stay well.

P.S.
For those who know the best friend Eps. He's struggling but persevering. For the next six weeks or so he'll be in Texas completing archaeological field school, my next post will be about the craziness my boy has encountered. Due to spotty cell phone service its all about text messaging, and letter writing. Letter writing is a lost art.

Labels: , , , , , , , , ,

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Wise's Questions

NOTE: I am so used to the other side of the table, the other side of the microphone.

1. If tomoro you were offered identical lucrative career opportunities, 1 in TV news, the other in edu diversity, which would you select.

I'd stick with journalism and merge my other passion. I was once told "It's good to have multiple passions." I'm trying to make my life proof positive of that saying. I want to create the opportunity which works for me. I could see myself if I don't make it on-air, producing making sure diversity and diverse voices are reflected on-air, and then doing recruiting and training for a major media company.

2. What's the best thing you've learned about life in the midwest?

I learned that's it's almost a different culture out here. It reminds you that America has such a rich tapestry which is reflected in the different people. All the different people reflect a unique patchwork and quilt. It's not about being a melting pot, but rather a quilt which has everyone's identities sewn together. Some parts of the quilt going look more aesthetically pleasing than others though, east coasters we got our style.

3. When was the last time you saw your dad?

I never saw him. He left before my mom had my twin sister and I.

4. Whats the worst fight you and Epsi ever had?

LoL ok I don't know if we ever fought. We have disagreements of philosophy but we always try to end balanced, and sure that we're respecting the other's point of view. Something we disagree on most often these days my holding on to hope that this one girl will see what has been right before her all along, and Epsi's belief that I should just let go. HARVARD GIRL could have me if she did said yes. He thinks HARVARD girl needs to be left alone. But honestly if we ever stopped talking it's because one of us is just really busy preparing to conquer the world.

5. What if your dream girl was non-black and lived on the other side of the country, would you go for it?

Ummm these friggin questions got tougher. Hmmm non-black uh fine because we must have had a connection if I'm even contemplating moving, but non-Christian not so fine. I ain't the most religious person, but I'm getting back to an understanding of the role religion plays in my life. I've always been intensely spiritual. I'm a bit traditional, somewhat old school, most certainly refined. She'd have to meet my mom, and mom would have to approve. I'd be willing to move but I'd have to be sure if the right opportunity came along for me, she'd be willing to reciprocate.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Soooo

So, yes my computer is still broken.

Fingers crossed the local computer repair shop is kind
to this out of towner.

In the interm yours truly is on my lunch break,
e-mailing this post.

I don't know which is better to count down days til my
birthday or the days until I come home.

Nineteen days until my birthday, forty-five or so
until I'm home.

HaHa.

Anywho.

Since the last update on Friday I reported on a
predominantly black community center closing in Terre
Haute. So yes I got out of C town, and road to Terre
Haute. The folks saw a black reporter and instantly
felt I was on their side. Mmmm yes well I empathize
folks, I have to be objective.

Then I reported on a vintage baseball game where
people were dressed like they lived in the 1850's.
Ummm yes being out in high 80's for three hours minus
shade = grumpy CNEL.

This week I'm producing, running camera, doing
chyrons, running teleprompter, and anchoring the
Friday night taped cut-in.

Lucky me I get to shoot and edit the next three
Saturday's(visualize me shaking my head).

I better not be scheduled for my birthday weekend,
that's all I know.

While it might seem as though I never have anything
positive to say:

1) I'm still here
2) I'm still sane
3) I'm bonding with the other black folks
4) I'm still here
5) I'm still sane

That is all.

P.S.
Keep Epsi and I in your prayers. Epsi's still in Texas
braving the Texas heat doing his dig. Homeboy has no
comp and minimal cell phone reception. You can take us
boys out of the city, but can't take the city out of
us. Bmore stand up!



____________________________________________________________________________________
8:00? 8:25? 8:40? Find a flick in no time
with the Yahoo! Search movie showtime shortcut.
http://tools.search.yahoo.com/shortcuts/#news

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Being Humbled by Circumstances

How about I want to cry?

No I'm not a punk but this is too much.

I was previously scheduled for a day off since I reported on Sunday, work the regular weekdays, and I am reporting this Saturday. It was too good to be true. I thought my boss had made a mistake, then she precedes to schedule me. Hey, didn't you just say I deserved the day off? So today I'm shadowing someone doing something which I loathe.

Then my computer which I purchased a month ago is acting funky. I call Toshiba at 6:30 this morning and spend 15 minutes talking to them. Take it in to a Toshiba Service Center. Guess what? There are none near me. If I can't get out of this town for pleasure, how will I get my computer to a shop?

God is trying to humble me.

I'm now in the same boat as my two besties. Epsi is in Texas, minus a comp, with raggedy and shady cell phone service we got disconnected four times before having a 15 minute chat last night. My other best friend Kenny is minus comp until he's at the office for his internship. I think they're worst off. Gary has no way to keep in touch with people minus shady, spotty cell phone service. Kenny is looking for apartments for his first year in med school.

Say a prayer that my comp fixes itself please. It's either that or I may loose my sanity.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

The Interview Pt. 2

"Cnel pull your skirt down! Don't be scurred, lol."

So La has joined J in riding me.

I'm pulling down "my skirt" La, you happy?

1. What is your strangest and most irrational fear?

My strangest and my most irrational fear, huh. Well in reality it isn't too strange or very irrational. It's rather instinctive, most people at some point during the course of their will feel the same way. I have a fear of not being successful, and of not reaching my full potential. By success I mean contented with my life both personally and professionally. By full potential I mean not helping others to make progress in their lives. I'm a big believer in the idea of the servant leader. Any profession I devote myself to, will have to allow me to be a servant leader. I was thinking not too long ago about something my first love once said to be me as I groaned and moaned about obstacles I seemed to encounter. She told me I was the only person in my family and amongst my friends who doubted that I be successful. She was right because I have always been called capable, ambitious, enthusiastic, intelligent, professional, a real go getter. Doubting is a way of minimizing expectations but I know to truly be great I can't minimize my expectations or lessen my standards for myself or those in my life.

2. Above all else, what 3 qualities would a girl have to possess to be Mrs. Cnel? ONLY THREE DAMMIT

Uh I don't know about a Mrs. CNEL. Uh marriage, the thought, uh, it makes me queasy.

Authentic - true to her, true to me, true to us
Honest- candid and open
Loyal- devoted

3. Who would play you in the story of your life and why?

At first I thought Hill Harper cause he's a "Renaissance black man" an actor and a lawyer. Then I remembered Harold Perrineau who played in "The Best Man", "Prison Song", and on the T.V. series "Oz". He has a certain presence, and a unique versatility which I think would be needed to play me and show my evolution as a person.

4. What made you wanna go into your field?

Honestly from age 10 to 17 I thought I'd be the next Thurgood Marshall. I have always had a passion for equity and justice. My mother and my teachers always encouraged me to study African-American history, and to think critically about our evolution as a people. I always thought that going to Howard and following in Marshall's footsteps would allow me to be one of our advocates for the 21st century. Then one day I sat at home and watched this teen news show. I thought to myself I can do that, and I went for it. I realized that journalism combined so many of the things I felt I wanted to do with my life. Journalists are intellectually curious, bold communicators, and brilliant thinkers. As members of the fourth estate they have the job of ensuring an open and honest society where equity and justice prevail. Also, they chronicle people's histories, and add context to what goes on in our lives. I have always appreciated the fact that T.V. allows journalists to engage and enlighten an audience, so I turned to broadcast journalism.

5. How do you think your life would be different if your dad had been around?
Honestly, I have no idea. I don't know if it would have been a good thing or a bad thing. A mentor once said to me the best thing he ever did for me was to leave. I think she meant to say that I have been allowed to become my own person, free of any overbearing influence. Though I'm still evolving, though a self-professed mama's boy I will when all is said and done be my own man.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

The Interview Pt. 1

J has decided that I must answer her questions.

1) say you graduated this past may. where's your first job?

Had I graduated this past May my first job would have ideally kept me on the east coast, preferably the mid-Atlantic region.

2) how did you meet epsi?

Epsi and I met the summer of 1997. We were attending summer school in an effort to earn admission to an all tuition paid all male Catholic school in Bmore. We were among 20 other boys who earned the privilege. The school's goal was to prepare us for college prep schools from Catholic schools to elite prep academies much like the one's we attended.

3) how would you react if a girl you were interested in pursued you?

I'd lose my mind. Having things go my way is rare. No, honestly I'd embrace the experience, keep my expectations realistic, be the gentleman my mother raised me to be, and most importantly stay true to me.


4) what's your favorite item of clothing?
Hmmmmm I like jeans lol. I rock jeans a lot especially cause I did mandated shirt and tie for seven years straight.

5) name one of your interests we may not know about.
I threw shot put in high school, and though I was horrible I'm a big track fan.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Words of the Week

Sunday- “If you wait for the perfect moment when all is safe and assured, it may never arrive. Mountains will not be climbed, races won, or lasting happiness achieved.” –Maurice Cheavlier

Monday- “A person, who no matter how desperate the situation, gives others hope, is a true leader.” –Daisaku Ikeda

Tuesday- “Intuition is the clear conception of the whole at once.” –Johann Laveter


Wednesday- “Technique is what you fall back on when you run out of inspiration.” –Rudolf Nureyev

Thursday- “If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.” –Andy Rooney

Friday- “Stop the habit of wishful thinking and start the habit of thoughtful wishes.” –Mary Martin

Saturday- “I’m afraid but also clear… You do it (live a life committed to service) because you’re called on and because you must, not because it’s comfortable.” –Dr. Gloria White-Hammond

Saturday, June 09, 2007

On the Job

The weeks here are always packed. I don't get bored until Saturdays, laugh out loud. During the week as I may have mentioned before we work production jobs and content jobs.

Last week I was editor and server operator for two days. This means I go in around 3, edit teases, edit promos, or edit down breaks for our 5:30 newscast, and then I send them to the server. During the actual newscast I am in charge of making sure everything has been sent to the server and I'm also in charge of playing things off of the server. I had an okay time with it my first time at it which was Monday. I had gone in over the weekend to work with Avid, because editing is something I haven't done much of previously.

On Tuesday, I co-produced the newscast. This means I go in for the 9:30 morning meeting. After the morning meeting I stack the show, keep tabs on all production positions, check in with reporters in the field, research, write, and do whatever needs to be done to prepare for the newscast. After the show was over I got sent out to cover a city council meeting and all I got was a VO-SOT. We kind of knew it wouldn't be enough to turn a pack.

On Wednesday I was editor and server operator again. This time it was rough. I recued a few things on air. That was lovely, because you do get called out in the post show meetings.

On Thursday morning I co-assignment edited. I also practiced reading prompter at the desk, and ran prompter for a colleague. After the 6:15 wake up call, going in from 7 to 12:30 I went home for a break. After chilling out eating lunch, checking the mail, and doing random tasks I decided I needed a shower. It would be a short time before I went back in to watch the show. While I sat in the apartment, the power went out and that didn't stop me from going ahead with my plans of showering. As I prepared to shower the phone rang and I ignored it. If it was work they'd see me shortly I figured.

I hopped in and out of the shower. Then I turned my attention to the missed call. I called in and the News Director told me a boy had fallen into a river, and that there was a search underway. I didn't know if I were relieving someone scheduled to work the show and performing their production duties,or going out on the shoot.

"Yes, I'm sending you out. You are going out with Kevin."
"Oh, so that means I need to change?" I asked in the nervousness.
"Yes, change your clothes and come in. Wait, are you home?"
"Yes, I'm home," I replied.
"Change your clothes and Kevin will come and pick you up."

Shortly aftewards my videographer picked me up, we gassed up, and made the hour drive to the town of Palestine.



We passed corn fields.



We passed wheat fields.



We drove through small towns this one I believe being Oblong.

When Kevin and I arrived on the scene there was a road block. We talked to a police officer and locals about the situation. The officer let us through the road block but told us that we would only get so far. We parked the car and walked to the water. I walked up to a group of officers and rescuers. I got an interview with the Sherrif whose department was leading the rescue. Sadly, the boy drowned and we had made it to the spot where they recovered his body. After the interview we got footage of the area.

After that our news director called us, she told us we would be sent back the next day to conduct more interviews and get an update on the investigation. Our pack just needed to be done in time for the 5:30 newscast on Friday.

On the way home we stopped into Dairy Queen. Locals talked to us about what they knew. One woman told my videographer she had heard about the drowning by watching our newscast. Another man we met at the roadblock walked up to us to see whether we'd made it to the scene.

It turns out a reporter from a Terre Haute, Indiana station was also there. What are the odds? She too was an African-American. I watched her pack the next monrning.

The next morning we left around 9:15 headed back to Palestine, we stopped into the local police department. They weren't handling the investigation. We walked the town square seeking local reaction. Ultimately we met a friend of the victim's in a restaurant. She declined to be interviewed on air. We then went knocking on doors. It was one of the most uncomfortable and unnatural experiences I've had as a journalist. It was especially difficult for me given the situation.

We called and got an update from the Sherrif's office. We also checked in with our news director. She sent us back to the scene to see if people were out there looking around. We found a man and his two sons. The man was a life long resident, a friend of the family's. He drove us to the area we had walked to before in his SUV, our little Ford Escort would most certainly have gotten stuck. Rescuers themselves used four wheelers the day before.

Our interview with this man confirmed what the victim' friend had said. The 18- year old had gotten in trouble with drugs, and the law. Still he was a normal kid. He had resolved to turn his life around. He told me the same thing the sherrif had said the day before. The victim and two friends had been out swimming, the guy slipped, got carried out by the current and began panicking. His friends tried to save him, but they couldn't. That is when they went for help. The sherrif told us he had been drinking, but that he didn't know how big a factor the alcohol had been.

I came back and wrote my pack. After having two producers and my news director vet the script, I voiced it.

I went live in chroma (in front of the green screen), I sped through my tag because I was queasy and nervous. I slowed it down for the on camera tag.

When all was said and done it had been maybe the most difficult story I have ever had to cover. As a reporter you feel as many emotions as the people you report on particularly when dealing with tragedy.

Feedback I got was typical: I know how to dress even with my limited number of "favorite" colors, I have presence, I talk entirely too fast. My ND threw in there that my standup was awkward because there was no panning as I moved my hand. I concede I should have moved my entire upper body.

It was most certainly a learning experience, hopefully I'll grow more confident and only become better.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Life in the Midwest



I am smiling on occasion.




I wanted back in a newsroom, I don't know if I wanted to live there. 13.5 hour shift on Tuesday, editor and server operator today, assignment editor on Thursday, reporting on Friday, and reporting on Friday. On Monday I was editor and server operator, and on Tuesday I co-produced the half hour show, and covered a city council meeting.


"I find that in the end its your friends who sustain you."
-Antoinette Q.

So my babies went to prom last night. When I say babies, I mean the young people I befriended and I mentored for the last four years. I missed it. They graduate on Friday, I'll miss that too. Having to forego partaking in their celebrations something I must now deal with. I guess its one of those small sacrifices that will become part of my summertime experience. It's a sacrifice I overlooked in the excitement of getting this internship.

But I have them to when they call or IM to make me laugh. Like my friend K who I worked with last fall.

She wrote this:

Central Illinois? Soooo random!! Sounds like the job you have is pretty cool, though. What kind of show do you get to help produce? News? Whatever it is, sounds like fun. Hope you're finding lots of good books/movies to keep you entertained after work. Let me know if you need any suggestions, lol.
K


Thanks to my mother for sending me some books. Everyone saw the box assumed it was food, and demanded I share. Ummm it was reading materials guys.

Life in small town U.S.A. umm yea. I miss the East Coast. I read the blog of a local anchor on the station's website. Maybe I should break from that until August. She was writing about Baltimore's Farmers Market. I'll miss going there on the weekends when I just feel like going downtown. She also mentioned a bakery in Baltimore's Federal Hill neighborhood. I've been meaning to stop in there for a while now.

I may be able to do the south, but I really don't see myself doing the midwest or small town U.S.A.

I have 8 more weeks. Maybe my mind will change.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Wise Words

Sunday- “And almost every one, when age, Disease, or sorrows strike him, Inclines to think there is a God, Or something very like him.” -Arthur Clough

Monday- “Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.” -Tom Krause

Tuesday- “Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit.” -Conrad Hilton

Wednesday- “Fear is the highest fence.” - Dudley Nichols

Thursday- “Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.” - Charles Mingus

Friday- “Poetry is plucking at the heartstrings, and making music with them.”- Dennis Gabor

Saturday- “Love is rarer than genius itself. And friendship is rarer than love.” - Charles Peguy

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Makes You Think

So I sit in my room watching a repeat of "Anderson Cooper 360 Deadly Lessons: 24 Hours in Chicago". It was recorded earlier in the week. Anderson spent a day reporting on the surge of violence in Chicago. It's the type of story which resonates with me because I am from Baltimore, but also because I have always aspired to be an urban affairs reporter.

Sadly, Anderson's show highlighted the tragic death of 16- year old Blair Holt who was killed during a shooting on a public bus. Holt apparently pushed a fellow teen out of the line of fire. He was then shot in the chest. Reading the story, and then watching the piece which featured his mother made my heart sank.


Chicago Fire Department Captain Annette Nance-Holt struggles to speak for a moment. Her pain is unmistakable.

"I'm so proud of my baby. I would do anything to get him back, though,” Nance-Holt said. “I wish it was me. I wish it was me.”

“I really don't know how I’m going to get through this, I really don't,” she said.

Nance-Holt's only child, 16-year-old Blair Holt, was killed on a CTA bus Thursday afternoon after a teenage gunman got on and opened fire, hitting five people. Holt was on his way home from Julian High School.

Victim Tiara Reed's father says Holt was shot point blank after he pushed Tiara out of the way.

Nance-Holt says her son's heroism doesn't surprise her.

"This is the story about a young black man who had a promising future ahead for himself and who could change the world, who could change a lot of things and who people looked up to,” she said.

Holt's father is a Chicago police officer.



Story:
http://cbs2chicago.com/local/local_story_131070629.html

Video:
http://cbs2chicago.com/video/?id=32380@wbbm.dayport.com

It's time like these when I wonder if I'm called to report about tragedies or be on the front lines working to prevent them.