Impossible is Impossible

This blog is my way of reflecting upon life. Life is about living and learning. As I live and learn I’m going to reflect upon this life I lead. Hopefully I'll offer something insightful with my postings. If you learn nothing else from me, know this that “impossible is impossible”.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Life's Twists and Turns

The week started off on a good note.

On Sunday I went to church with my fifth grade teacher (I'm not even the church type, I guess I'm going through that phase where I'm rediscovering what spirtuality means to me.) On Sunday I also got a lead on a job I have yet to follow up on, yeah I need to get on that. I made a new friend fav teachers nephew a cool dude also a recent college grad.

On Monday I had an unofficial job chit chat with a potential employer. Unfortunately no positions are open but the sit down was productive and I got some honest feedback which is always a good thing.

On Tuesday I met up with the best friend from college Chris Nic to get a late lunch. We went to this pizza joint Vito's next to our usual hot spot Pei Wei, because he had more friends to entertain that evening. It was weird being back on campus. As the other Chris kept saying its surreal that we have no ties no tangible ties, except maybe our friends who remain there.

On Wednesday I had a job interview for a journo job out in the midwest. I don't know how it went because it was a phone interview. If I get invited to fly out they said they hope to let me know sometime this week. I then had a conference call for the journo org whose board I'm on. Those are always fun.

On Thursday life went to hell. My aunt died. Cancer claimed her life. She was trying to hold on for as long as possible. She wanted to see her adopted daughter, a niece of her husband's, graduate from college in the winter. She was so excited that she atleast knew that I had made the walk across the stage even though she couldn't be in Bmore to see it for herself. My aunt was one of those cheerleaders you could always count on. She was the only person in my family to graduate from college before me. I'm the only nephew, and the only of my grandparent's grandchildren to do so. My aunt's word also carried a lot of weight. When my mother felt I was acting out, acting up, or just straight trippin', as rare as it was, she'd call in my aunt. Though she was hundreds of miles away in Houston, she'd get on the phone in a minute. You'd hear a combination of sophistication, elegance, well spokeness, and oh yeah a very southern Texas accent. I always remember kidding her that she was southern but more than that country. I still remember her saying, "I can speak the King's English when necessary." She definitely repped her alma mater Morgan State University hard. I always wondered if she was a tad disappointed I didn't attend a HBCU. My aunt though has always reminded me of the importance of keeping the faith, honoring my family, but most importantly being good to myself. R.I.P. Aunt Bettye Jean.

Today was one of those low key non-eventful days. I waited for word of the arrangements. My aunt decided as she made her own arrangements to not have her body flown home to Baltimore. Instead she'll be buried in Houston. There's no way many in the family can afford to fly to Texas so not a lot of people are going.

I'm trying hard not to think about not being able to go to the funeral. I'm trying hard not to think about mourning. I'm not really good at saying goodbyes to people living or dead. I'm the type who shuts off all emotions for fear of my emotions overtaking me.

I guess to avoid too much grief this is one of those times when you think of a loved ones passing as unavoidable, you think of death as natural, you truly think of a funeral as a homegoing service.

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Monday, June 23, 2008

What Other People Say

Someone said to me today, "You're very verbal." I couldn't tell if that meant, “I can tell you like to talk”, “you talk to much”, or “just shut up”. Anyway it reminded me that no matter what people are judging you. They’re sizing you up and forever holding up the invisible measuring stick. Try as we might to escape it, it’s virtually unavoidable. The glares, the stares, the confused looks, the sideways glances, the undecided faces abound. Tell me you haven’t noticed one or all of those expressions. As much as you tell yourself it doesn’t matter what they think, it sometimes does. But what can we do about it aside from simply living life?

The same person who made the previous observation told me that everyone who came to see him had a kind word to say about me. Knowing that people think highly of me, and that they think enough of me to in turn speak highly of makes me feel good. Why? Because it means that someone noticed that I try to live my life with authenticity and integrity.

No you don’t live your life for anyone else. You live your life for you, but you can’t avoid that sticky little detail. There are other people in the world too. So you might as well get used to the fact that there are other people in this world.

I call myself a great work in progress or sometimes “the” great work in progress. I’m mindful of the effect I have on people. We should all be mindful of this. We have the innate ability to impact people’s lives and to in some cases transform them. It’s sometimes a daunting task; other times a challenge, but always a responsibility. No one wants to take responsibility for anyone but himself or herself, but perhaps that’s the problem. My little cousin often walks into a room and asks, “Is Julia here?” One time I responded, “Do I look like I’m my sister’s keeper?” He looked at me like I was a fool, and you might see why he likes my twin sister more than he likes me me. But that’s aside from my main point point, the point is I’m my sister’s keeper, and my mother’s, and my cousin’s, and my friends. If we keep people it simply means that we’re mindful that they grow because of us or they falter because of us. I’d rather be judged to have had a positive impact on people and their lives rather than to have had simply no impact at all.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Words of the Week

Editors Note: I didn't feel like doing my usual words of the week so these are movie quotes which have resonated with me.

Sunday- Justice: Alone, all alone. Nobody, but nobody. Can make it out here alone.
From “Poetic Justice”

Monday- Aretha Robinson: Always remember your promise to me. Never let nobody or nothing turn you into no cripple.
-From “Ray”

Tuesday- Mr. Landis: You can lose lots of money chasing women, but you will NEVER lose women chasing money.
From “I Think I Love My Wife”

Wednesday- Mad Dog: This is an A and B conversation so C your way out before D and E F you up, okay, G?
From “Boyz n the Hood”

Thursday- Patricia: I love you more than all the words in all the books in all the world.
From “Why Did I Get Married?”

Friday- Nina Mosley: You always want what you want when you want it. Why is everything so urgent with you?
Darius Lovehall: Let me tell you somethin'. This here, right now, at this very moment, is all that matters to me. I love you. That's urgent like a motherfucker.
-From “Love Jones”

Saturday- Big Worm: Playing with my money is like playing with my emotions, Smokey.
From “Friday”

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Searching for Inspiration

I sit here just after 1:30 in the morning trying to find inspiration. Trying to find inspiration so I won't dwell on the fact that life after graduation isn't coming together, or dwell on the fact that my best friends will either be moving or working this summer, my other friends went off to Boston to work, or they are busy cupcaking and boo loving. Maybe this is telling me that I need people more than I thought before, or atleast I think I do. And no one should say spend more time with yourself. Trust me I do that from time to time, and any more time spent just with myself might could cause me to be destructive.

On a brighter note I finished a pretty good book today "Some Things I Never Thought I'd Do" by Pearl Cleage. It was great. I finished in life two and a half days.
She left me with some gems, a bit of perspective.


"You can't work for black folks because you think they're going to be different. You have to do it because you're going to be different."

It was especially poignant given one of the besties called me to complain about being the co-president of a group of fellow aspiring doctors of color, and a colleague called to complain about leading a group of fellow media professionals of color.

That quote might just become my e-mail signature.

She also left me with

"The worst thing a true believer can do is to stick around once the bloom is off the rose..."

That spoke to me and told me to really evaluate my motivations, my intent, and to recognize the difference.

Two things I've decided based on my quest for inspiration.

A) I'm going to write every day and not erase what I've written, I won't prejudge it, or on impulse deem it not good enough.

B) I may need to start getting up and leaving the house as if I have somewhere to go everyday, and maybe it'll come to be.

Peace for now.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Words of the Week

Sunday- “Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father!” -Lydia M. Child

Monday- “He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” -Clarence Budington Kelland

Tuesday-“As you journey through [life], you will encounter all sorts of these nasty little upsets, and you will either learn to adjust yourself to them or gradually go nuts.” - Groucho Marx

Wednesday- “How true Daddy's words were when he said: all children must look after their own upbringing. Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.” –Anne Frank

Thursday-“As a man, I've been representative of the values I hold dear. And the values I hold dear are carryovers from the lives of my parents.” –Sidney Poitier

Friday- “Let us teach them not only to do virtuously, but to excel. To excel they must be taught to be steady, active, and industrious.” - John Adams

Saturday-“And I always found that the harder I worked, the better my luck was, because I was prepared for that.” –Ed Bradley

Saturday, June 14, 2008

When I Don't Pick Up

You know one of my biggest pet peeves is when people call but they don't leave a message. Admittedly it's a tad hypocritical because rarely do I leave messages. About the only time I leave a message is if it's urgent, or I need someone to follow up on something.

But really if you call my cell, and you think perhaps I don't have your name and number in my phone, what makes you think I'm dialing you back? I mean really.

On the other hand those unexpected messages have the ability to when I finally get around to listening to them, yeah I'm pretty bad at that, make me smile. Like yesterday Gary my best friend since middle school called because he had seen that Tim Russert had died. He said he knew it might affect me and those in the journalism profession. I thought that was nice. And this morning when I woke up I had a message from some of my old residents saying, "CNel this is the fifth floor calling." Now because they left a message that made me laugh out loud, and smile, and they even got a text back. Hopefully it wasn't a drunk dial and they actually were thinking of me.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Please Don't Leave

So I was up this morning exchanging texts with my adopted lil sister (mind you I didn't get up to do my 3 day a week morning power walk, which my friends say make me old manish) but I did make time for one of my two best female friends who I affectionately call Lil Mama. Lil Mama and I have known each other since high school she's three year's my junior so I'm her adopted big brother. About once a week we check in via phone or text message.

I was all looking forward to spending some time with Lil Mama cause I thought she'd be home in Bmore taking time off from track. Instead Lil Mama decides she's headed to Boston to visit my one time unrequited love H. arvard G.irl.

In my mind I'm going please don't go. I mean for real I'm in Bmore already hella bored but one of my best friends is leaving me. Then add to that one of my other good friends, and my mentee is also going up. Everyone's going be in Boston with H.G. but me LoL. They're all going to be teaching at a summer camp for disadvantaged youth, so I guess I can't be mad.

Maybe this will motivate me to a) find a job, b) volunteer c) widen my circle of friends (though as some may know I'm very particular).

I guess I'll have to pray they get Internet in their apartments up there, that they'll have time and remember to call, or I guess maybe there's always texts.

Or this could be a sign that I too need to leave.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Some Time Unplugged

There are days when I just want to go disconnected or unplugged, but it's hard.
You know being on the board of the journo org I seldom can not check e-mail. It's how we communicate. But sometimes I do go a good 12-24 hours and I only check it once or twice.

Other times I power down the cell phone not because the batteries dying but really just because. Sometimes I don't want to say hi, bye. Sometimes there's beauty in not feeling pressure to have a forced chit chat.

And if neither one of those options work I try to escape and I'll go somewhere where I can be alone, just be alone with my thoughts.

Unlike a lot of people I love solitude. I love just being and not having to think about anyone but me.

A tad selfish?

A tad real.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

In My Neck of the Woods

So life after graduation continues minus any real adventures.

I've mainly been chilling at home, interviewing for jobs, hanging out with friends when the venue or event suits me, and trying to write. I'm determined to write something of consequence and or significance this summer.

So today I had what has to have been the weirdest job interview yet. The man interviewing me was just weird, which made me think I was being weird, which made the whole misadventure weird. Also I walked into the business looking a little less than suave. I'm going to blame it on the heat, it was around 100 today and I was trying to get out of it. Thank God for the woman who told me to go into the restroom straighten up and breathe in and out. She then made me go sit and do some more breathing.

So I started reading Sidney Poitier's latest book "Life Beyond Measure: Letters to My Great-Granddaughter". It's not going to be finished as quickly as the other two. Sir Sidney is just such an intellectual. I'm going to finish it though because yesterday one of my friends gave me this food for thought:
"A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read." - Mark Twain

I'm hoping this week won't be at all boring. Ya'll know I'm a little hyper. Sunday I went to a devotional tea hosted by a friend whose Bahai, had some banging iced tea, Monday I went to Love in D.C. with some friends for a BET Jazz taping. The taping was hot though BET was on CP time. I got to see the legendary Godfather of "GoGo" Chuck Brown, and Raheem DeVaughn performed. He even performed one of my fave songs "Customer". So hopefully something exciting finds me midweek and at the end of the week.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Words of the Week

Sunday -“My attitude is that if you push me towards something that you think is a weakness, then I will turn that perceived weakness into a strength.”-Michael Jordan

Monday -“The medals don't mean anything and the glory doesn't last. It's all about your happiness."- Jackie Joyner-Kersee

Tuesday - “A person always doing his or her best becomes a natural leader, just by example.” - Joe DiMaggio

Wednesday- “When you lose, you're more motivated. When you win, you fail to see your mistakes and probably no one can tell you anything.”- Venus Williams

Thursday- “Winning and losing isn't important to me so much as playing to a certain level." -Bill Walton

Friday- "Champions keep playing until they get it right." -Billie Jean King

Saturday- "Awards become corroded, friends gather no dust." -Jesse Owens

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Sometimes I Hate Ppl

My cousin went blabbing about my personal biz.

You know the ish which takes place behind close doors.

Do you know this ended with some trick offering up her phone number.

Oh no you won't be getting a call from me.

I'm about to not be talking to my cuz for a while for trying to play me.

Who does she think I am?


Oh and I so need out of Bmore. I was downtown for about a half hour today and my people, my people. I need to upgrade to somewhere oother than here.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Help

So I'm developing a new writing/multimedia project. In theory the end product will be infotainment, a new age way of giving advice. Whatever the medium it'll be an interactive and ongoing guide for young professionals entitled "Things They Didn't Teach". So please share with me things they didn't teach you in college or in the initial years of life after graduation. It can be about anything from love to money to careers to friendships to the importance of education. I'm really trying to come up with a guide for myself as I continue to develop the project.

Ex. One of the best friends is always talking to me about money matters. Though he took a personal finance class in college, he doesn't think they teach enough about personal finance to college students. He thinks this is especially clear given we know of people who used school loans for purposes other than getting through college in four years. He wants to see more info about finances out there for people our age.

So please give me feedback.

Thanks in advance.

-C. Nel

First Drafts

As I've shared here before I'm attempting to resume my writing. For as long as I can remember I've been trying to have a love affair with words. I've been trying to commit words to a page which would make me happy, and let me feel as though I'm saying something. It has been like a typical romance with instances of love and hate. It has been like a typical romance in that there's been frustration. I'm surprised that in the time it's taken me to write this I've not hit backspace. If I were doing it old school writing in a spiral notebook there'd no doubt be a bunch of squiggly lines.

Here's one of my most recent first drafts. I shared it with my cousin who said it sounds so much like my life. I want to write what I know but I don't want to necessarily, get that deep, and give another window where everyone can peek in. I'm not sure if this first draft will be spared from the backspace.

I hate to imagine what would become of me if there were no promise of tomorrow. If there was not still the chance that all my past mistakes could be rectified, all my wrongs righted, and my future contentment assured. Somewhere in between my impulsiveness, my stubbornness, my often disassociated attitude, in between my confidence which is sometimes confused as arrogance, I can assure you is a pure heart. No, I’m not just saying that. One of my deepest desires for myself has always been to become the personification of the lyrics of India Arie’s song “Good Man” to become a ‘good man’. I have always felt quite sure that my being a ‘good man’ would make my mother proud and thus mean that I could wake up every morning and look myself in the mirror. I am still a work in progress. I am also still my mother’s son and have always aimed to make her proud. To make her proud however I have had to live my own life, I have had to journey toward discovering what it meant to have an authentic manhood. To be authentic, to be a man, to discover my own abilities and possibilities that would make me proud of myself. The road toward authentic manhood seemed at times to be the road less travelled.

I am by no means a typical man. Part of me my entire life has always resisted the label typical. To me typical also means stereotypical. I’ve blazed my own paths not in effort to be a trailblazer but as a means of surviving. If I would have become what others wanted me to become I would not have survived. I would not have been able to keep up. I wouldn’t have known what to do to keep up. I would not have dressed like them, talked like them, walked like them, spoke like them. I guess you can say my difference was my salvation and to this day I am different.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Words of the Week

Sunday- “Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist." -George Carlin

Monday- “Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.”- Ellen DeGeneres

Tuesday- “To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first.” -Janeane Garofalo

Wednesday- “When you have a good mother and no father, God kind of sits in. It's not enough, but it helps.” -Dick Gregory

Thursday- "You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.” - Steve Martin

Friday- “Love is the big booming beat which covers up the noise of hate” - Margaret Cho

Saturday- "“I still think people do have racial hang-ups, but I think one of the reasons I can joke about it is people are shedding those racial hatreds.” - David Chapelle