"School Days"

A week ago I was out on a Sunday afternoon trying to find testurizers, and blue skirts for two little girls who most days have my heart. Can’t you tell? Given that I was out there shopping for those things, though not alone. There are other days when I want the younger of the two to say, “You’re not my friend anymore.” This at least let’s me know I’m off the hook and won’t be asked for anything until the next time she or her sister has a hand out. For some reason everyone seems to think my two little cousins are my “goddaughters”. They must think so too, because it seems that they have a list of needs, wants, and desires ready just for me when I call or come over for a visit. Anyway a call to my little cousin’s Toni and Tori was really intended to wish them well as they prepared for the fourth and first grades. The call ended with their mother requesting the above mentioned items. It’s only because I wanted my girls to be ready for school, that I indulged their mother my big cousin who I grew up with.

The next day I drove past the elementary school that I attended for six years. It was surreal for me for the first time in seventeen years to not be gearing up to head back to classes. Something about it felt different, and wrong. One of the besties is a teacher. Gosh that’s weird to even contemplate. Another is entering his second year of med school. And the most recent bestie, who got me through at least our senior year of college, is saving and changing lives as a dorm director and grad student.

For a few weeks earlier in the summer I thought I too would need pens, paper, pencils, and money for books. I got accepted into a master’s program at a prestigious university over in D.C. Unfortunately reality hit me and I realized I couldn’t afford it. At least not without mortgaging my future, and acquiring maybe eight times more debt than I have from undergrad. You know for what I was expected to pay for a master’s degree I could buy a house and a new car. If I was a teacher or in Baltimore I could buy two houses for that amount. I could say goodbye to the hoopty ya’ll.

I don’t know if my predicament came from a lack of preparation. Partly, because I didn’t know my desire to continue my education would be so strong so soon. Therefore I didn’t really think about the financial considerations, such as applying for grants and scholarships earlier. I mean I always knew that I’d eventually want to get my master’s; the question has always been when.
So after trying to reconcile my work schedule with a class schedule, after boosting up my excitement level. I decided to defer my acceptance. The admissions folks told me I have up to a year to change my mind. A lot can happen in a year.

I guess maybe this was a message from the master planner to be better prepared the next time.A week ago I was out on a Sunday afternoon trying to find testurizers, and blue skirts for two little girls who most days have my heart. Can’t you tell? Given that I was out there shopping for those things, though not alone. There are other days when I want the younger of the two to say, “You’re not my friend anymore.” This at least let’s me know I’m off the hook and won’t be asked for anything until the next time she or her sister has a hand out. For some reason everyone seems to think my two little cousins are my “goddaughters”. They must think so too, because it seems that they have a list of needs, wants, and desires ready just for me when I call or come over for a visit. Anyway a call to my little cousin’s Toni and Tori was really intended to wish them well as they prepared for the fourth and first grades. The call ended with their mother requesting the above mentioned items. It’s only because I wanted my girls to be ready for school, that I indulged their mother my big cousin who I grew up with.

The next day I drove past the elementary school that I attended for six years. It was surreal for me for the first time in seventeen years to not be gearing up to head back to classes. Something about it felt different, and wrong. One of the besties is a teacher. Gosh that’s weird to even contemplate. Another is entering his second year of med school. And the most recent bestie, who got me through at least our senior year of college, is saving and changing lives as a dorm director and grad student.

For a few weeks earlier in the summer I thought I too would need pens, paper, pencils, and money for books. I got accepted into a master’s program at a prestigious university over in D.C. Unfortunately reality hit me and I realized I couldn’t afford it. At least not without mortgaging my future, and acquiring maybe eight times more debt than I have from undergrad. You know for what I was expected to pay for a master’s degree I could buy a house and a new car. If I was a teacher in Baltimore I could buy two houses for that amount. I could say goodbye to the hoopty ya’ll.

I don’t know if my predicament came from a lack of preparation. Partly, because I didn’t know my desire to continue my education would be so strong so soon. Therefore I didn’t really think about the financial considerations, such as applying for grants and scholarships earlier. I mean I always knew that I’d eventually want to get my master’s; the question has always been when.
So after trying to reconcile my work schedule with a class schedule, after boosting up my excitement level. I decided to defer my acceptance. The admissions folks told me I have up to a year to change my mind. A lot can happen in a year.

I guess maybe this was a message from the master planner to be better prepared the next time.

So maybe this words will continue to ring in my head, 'Be prepared or be prepared to fail.' - Isha Sesay

It's Friday and I Want To Be "Gone With The Wind"

It's Friday and quite frankly I want to be "gone with the wind".

As I type this John McCain's running mate Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is on T.V. addressing the nation. Since I'm working the desk I'm not listening to it, I'll likely listen to it after or better yet read it later. It's what I've done every time I've missed a speech. Sadly, I even fell asleep before Sen. Obama spoke last night. It's so sad I'm like a narcoleptic old man.

On another note, if I have to answer another telephone call, from someone complaining that CBS is preempting "The Young and the Restless" I'm going to scream or cuss someone out.

"What's going to happen to the soaps?"

Can I say I don't care? Is that allowed or is it unprofessional? I don't know if I have the T.V. news temperament. Every time someone calls and claims that it's important, that it's urgent, it's life and death.

I'm always tempted to go old school and say, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," as spoken by Clark Gable in GONE WITH THE WIND.

Life Update

So this summer I've certainly been slacking on my blogging. Blame it on my job. Blame it on me adjusting to life after college. Blame it on my being tired when I get home from work. Blame it on me not wanting anyone at work to find my blog, even though there are times when I should write, right there in the moment (That might be a reason to go ahead and get my smart phone). You see a theme, my job is taking over my life.

Anyway this week was same ol same ol during the week I went to work and came home, went to work and came home.

I'm not used to this, I'm not used to fighting to spend time with my friends and to do the simple things which I enjoy, but I'm reminded that I'm not in college anymore.

On the job front, for the last few weeks I've been doing split duty. This means two days on assignment desk and three days working the web desk. This week however I did three days on the assignment desk. I'm not a fan of the assignment desk. For those who don't know the assignment desk editors or managers are responsible for working to generate story ideas, assign stories, assign crews, communicate with crews, set up interviews, vet stories (see whether there's any truth to them or they're noteworthy) and conduct research. Basically the desk is the middle man between those at the station, and those in the field. The desk plays referee in the middle of the game. Some T.V. folks might agree with me that working the desk is an acquired taste. When thinking of how to describe my disdain for the desk to one of the network VPs during a conference call, I really wanted to compare it to beer, the exact quote which I had in mind at the time was "much like beer, the assignment desk is an acquired taste."

Working the desk has been a bit frustrating. What's the most frustrating thing you might ask? For me it's dealing with the personalities. I can't deal with rude, arrogant, and self-righteous people. There's one anchor/reporter that I want to kick in the throat, and there's an assignment desk editor that as far as I'm concerned can suffer the same fate. I'm also not prepared to be disrespected ever. I had to let my supervisor know, she needs to get her boy. I went home so frustrated last Wednesday, I was ready to look for a new job. It was a lot like this blow up .

But I'm learning as you have to do in the new business, to not take it personal. My immediate supervisor is the managing editor, and I can walk into the office of the Assistant News Director or the News Director if I need to do so.

But this was a reminder to keep my eyes and options open, because you have to do for you.

Aside from work drama, which ended with my two co-workers in the web department having a blow up talked about in the entire newsroom, I did finally get to hang out with friends.

On Wednesday I got together with the best friend from high school KG the future doc, and my mentee T-Win. We went to the home of one of our former teacher's and spent time with her and her hubby to eat, chit chat, and of course watch the Olympics. They're the type of folks, each of them, who helps me to remember who I am, when I'm on the verge of forgetting. They speak to what another friend who said to me once, "I find that in the end it's your friends who sustain you."

I saw and spent time chilling with Eps after his visit to his gf.

Other than that I've been searching for a car. I got my first hoopty today, mainly so I have something to get me to and from work. Pray for my sake that it holds up especially through winter, so I won't be on the bus stop with the kids.

Also, really enjoying Sidney Poitier's "Life Beyond Measure". Earlier in the summer I had stopped reading it, put it down, stepped away,and came back to it. Now I'm working through it more than halfway through and Poitier as I've written here before gives one much to contemplate.

That's it for my life right now, hope everyone's well.

Sometimes in the morning...

Sometimes in the morning I wish I didn't have to get up and go anywhere, do anything. I wish I could levitate myself and escape to some place, where work didn't exist, where responsibility didn't exist, where I could just roam free. I don't know if that's called contentment, retirement, or insanity. I swear things have gotten a lot let lucid after college.
I get like this every now and again. I look at the clock then I realize that when it is that I wake up, shower, get dressed, and leave for work is closer than I'd like it to be. Sometimes in the morning I don't want to leave. I don't know if this is more than a case of the Monday blues. I had a long day, day today. I got up at around 6:15, showered, ate breakfast and got dressed. Then I left.
I got to work around 8:30 and left the office around 5:15. It was a crazy day. I was on the assignment desk which was already not one of my favorite places. I absolutely detest answering the phones. Between obnoxious and arrogant reporters, crazy callers, and just plain rude people it takes a lot for me to hold back on offering up a good old Bmore cuss out. I joke that some of the dirty mouth people have taught me how to cuss. Naw I went to prep school and lived in a boys dorm in my teen years, those really are the formative years. I was therefore exposed to a lot of not so nice behaviors.
After work I went and looked for a car. I'm looking to invest in my first hoopty haha.
Aside from that I just chilled spent time with my aunt and cousin, and saw another one of my older cousins.
I've always been doing a lot of thinking about love, life, relationships.
As far as love goes I'm quite sick of people suggesting that in order to be a truly successful and contented person you have to be in a relationship. I don't want my worth as a man to be measured by whether or not I'm dating.
Then there's life I've been thinking a lot about needs and wants. It's so easy to blur the line between the two. Sometimes what I "need" is only what I "think I need". Sometime's it's really a want. And then there are times when what I need, is something I don't feel as though I need at the moment.
As far as relationships. No I'm not dating and truth be told I'm becoming less pressed. Summer is coming to an end and I don't really feel as though I spent much q.t. (quality time) with friends. As I've begun work, some have spent time away, and others have moved on with life after grabbing the diploma, the time we've spent together has dwindled. Then there's family. Oh my goodness. I have a huge family, being at college has made me forget in some ways, and then being thrown back in the middle of a huge family, has had its challenging. I think I had to adjust more this time than I did when I went away and came back from boarding school.
All the things happening in my life remind me it's important to have an okay relationship with self. I used to dread those moments when I'd have to pull away, and just have time for self. Maybe not dread, but more loathe what others might think. Now you know conventional wisdom says everyone's supposed to love being surrounded by others. Yeah right. Sometimes you just want to shut it all down, all of those around you, and just have peace of mind. However temporary.
There are times in my day when I just want to escape. Sometimes I wish I could just escape if only for five minutes. I'm about to start taking those bathroom breaks, where you don't really go to the bathroom, where instead you just break.

"Faith Is ..."

Often, I debate my mother, maybe debate is the wrong word. From time to time my mother will make a statement, and I'll challenge it. Not to spark an argument. In some cases it's simply because I need amusement. In most cases because though it's because I sincerely disagree with whatever she said. We'll banter for a minute, she'll come to the realization she raised a strong willed, independent minded, and intensely passionate son, generally not one to really back down. Then the debate will be over.

So today she asked me about a story my station and every other station in Baltimore, and some national outlets are covering. A mother is accused of starving to death her young son. The mother isn't the only one charged in the death of the I believe two year old. Others are charged because the mother appears to have been part of some sort of cult.

I made mention of the fact that I believe it's dangerous to have blind faith, and to bear blind allegiance. I say this to mean completely blind without thinking critically, and challenging what is taught to make sure it's well reasoned, rationale, perhaps even moral and ethical. I haven't actively gone to church maybe since the end of high school, the beginning of college. I was raised and baptized Baptist and eventually for reasons, I haven't fully explored, I drifted away a few years back. I've maintained my spirituality. I've always been more spiritual than religious. I know that too much good has happened in my life for their not to be a force guiding my life. Outside of acknowledging my belief in a higher power, I sometimes get turned off by organized religion. Too me sometimes there's too much lacking, and not enough there. Sometimes what's most important the relationship between the individual and the higher power isn't emphasized. Then there are the small nagging questions, which then turn into larger nagging questions.

When reading Sidney Poitier's "Life Beyond Measure: Letters to My Great-Granddaughter" I was struck when Sir Sidney wrote, "So if, they say, you insist on giving God credit for the creation of the universe, then God should also be held accountable when horrors beset us."

I think Sir Sidney simply reminded me that faith is very personal. What you believe is what you believe.

Words on a Page

I so desperately need to get back to writing fiction. It gets a little intense, always writing about my own life. LoL.

"Sitting at his typewriter he was at a loss for words, and he was never at a loss for words. He thought about the things which inspired him, which challenged him, which motivated him, and which guided him. There was one common denominator, one guiding influence and it was HER. So he began to write about her. He decided to type away and let the words flow naturally, and with ease.

He wrote:
'I think I grew to love her because of how I came to know her. I came to know her through her words. Words which seemed to bridge the divide between what is unreal and what is surreal. Her words exposed me to her intellect. There's nothing like falling in love with a person's intellect. Her mind made me fall in love with this remarkable young woman that she already was, and the incredible woman she was yet to be.'

He loved the potential in her. It was easy to see. In part he thirsted to see her accomplish everything she set her mind to.

The only thing was her mind was far from him. It was sort of like he didn't exist in her world."

That's all for now, time to go to bed, I have to get up for work in five hours.

Fathers

One of the only good things about catching the bus to and from work, is it gives me time to admire the eye candy. Sike. I go to work too early in the morning, the only people I see on the bus are too old or too young for me. So, because on buses and in other public places, I don't like people staring at me I try my hardest not to stare, instead I read books, almost interrupted, ha. Yesterday, I finished "The Bond" by The Three Doctors (Sampson Davis, Rameck Hunt, and George Jenkins). It was a great book, which they wrote with the help of the journalist Margaret Bernstein. The book looked at each of their relationships with their parents, but most importantly with their fathers. It was great because it looked at a different part of their development, not as friends who bonded and motivated each other to be doctors. Instead it looked at another bond they shared, that of boys who were raised without the benefit of having extremely strong relationships with their fathers. For the most part they chronicled the events which led to the abscence of their fathers from their lives, and the lessons they learned from that experience, and the lessons they didn't get to learn from their fathers. Each was then raised by a single mother and or extended family. Though each admits a void in their life, they worked to atleast fill the void somewhat, by in adulthood actively working to reestablish a bond, and a real relationship with their fathers.

Admittedly, reading the book was a bit of an emotional experience for me. Given recent events in my life from graduating college to starting my first job and to some extent everyday life, I've too been made to think about those lessons, I didn't learn. A few weeks ago an acquaintance asked me, "You were raised by a single mother, weren't you? ... In a family of women?" Though there were men around my maternal grandfather who recently turned 80, and my mother's six brothers, the women raised the children. I thank God for the women who raised me, but over the years I've wondered time and again, how my life would be different, had I known my father.

Unlike The Three Docs I can't reconcile and reestablish a bond. My "father" died when I was two. We never met, there are no memories, there is no bond.

Though from time to time I still wonder what life may have been like had I had a father. I remember each day all I've accomplished because I've in many ways had to create my own definition of manhood, and not been steered by someone else's.

I Was Thinking Today

I was thinking today...

I'm becoming a cliche.

I wake up every morning shower, get dressed, grab my lunch and I'm out the door.

I take the bus to work, a journey in and of itself.

I walk into the newsroom head up to the assignment desk, or to the web, log onto my computer. I work until 1:30 (with frequent e-mail or listserv breaks), I break for lunch, resume work at 2:00 and roll out at 5:00.

I go home eat, pick out my clothes for the next day, sometimes talk on the phone or online, then I go to sleep.

Oh wait I'm not a cliche, apparently I'm now a grown up. This just may take some getting used to.

Smile and Frown

A new Friday feature called Smile and Frown. When I was an R.A. last year during our staff meeting we would share a smile and a frown of the week.

Smile of the week:
Any exchange between me and "future wife" as she thousands of miles and 12 hours ahead.

Me: "It could just be me, but I find it so weird that my birthday is 7-8 and yours is 8-7...Enjoy yourself "Future Wife" but not too much. I'm the jealous type."

F.W.: "Ok, I'm mad that the coincidence in the date of our birthdays just dawned on you because I told you that as soon as I realized which was like 3 years ago.Just like a hubby, never listening to me, lol."

Frown:
Annoying co-workers namely my predecessor in my training program.

And I'm Back

It's been a minute. Working means waking up at 6 a.m., leaving for work at around 7 a.m., arriving at work around 8:30 a.m., leaving work at around 5:15 p.m., getting home around 6:30 p.m. Generally it means eating, picking out my clothes for the next day of work, maybe checking e-mail, maybe watching a little T.V.

Then we cycle through that for the next four days.

Luckily, I'm on weekday 9 to 5 for the next several week. Then my schedule changes when I rotate through departments.

But anyway back to the life update.

As I write this I'm sitting in the apartment of one of my best friends Epsilonicus. I came here right after work, because I didn't feel like going straight home. I also had to get my cell phone charger which I left over here a week ago.

This week has been only my second full week of work since starting in television news. I worked a whole week, then was on the road for nine days. Then I worked three days last week.

Chicago was great and it's one of my fav cities. NY was okay too, but still it's too big. It's the T.V. mecca of the world, especially for T.V. news but it's just too much for me. Also, I'm settling in for a long haul without any travel. Next time I'm on the road will be in October when I head to New Orleans for a retreat.

This week has been my real adjustment to work. I'm working the assignment desk which is where we help develop stories, decide whose covering what, set up interviews, and facilitate communication between the reporters and photographers, the editors, engineers, artists and other support staff who help make sure we have what we need to complete the story, and the producers who are in charge of all elements of the show. Next week I'll be split between the desk and writing for the web. Then after that I'll shadow writers and producers who work on the shows.

Speaking of my work as a journalist. Eps and I had a heated discussion about journalists and bias. I said that we always need to be mindful of what separates a journalist, from a commentator and an analyst. If a journalist is doing their job right you won't know their biases are. Yes, biases, opinions and perspectives exist but the time for them is not during your the reporting of your story. Also, just because bias remains doesn't mean you stop trying to keep them out of your stories.

If all our arguments ended our friendship Eps and I wouldn't have been friends for eleven years. Though I sometimes, no most times have a different takes on things, I respect that he is atleast an intellectual.

He characterizes the differences in our philosophies with the following:
"I'm the Huey Newton to your Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr... You're evolution I'm revolution. That's how I look at our point of view about life, and only gotten worst as I've gone to college."

Hopefully more time to update or something profound will make me blog.

"Not Everyone's A Damn Elitist"

I've had it with the suggestion that everyone's an elitist. Not everyone's a damn elitist or at least not everyone tries to be.

It's my supposition that individuals can with their thoughts, words, and actions create an elite class. Individuals can allow people to feel that they are greater than and those same individuals can begin to feel that they are less than, when they suggest to people that how they live, how they act, or how they are, has enabled these "elite" people to change, or better yet to recreate "the rules of the game". Of course they become all powerful and all knowing when folks agree to play by these new rules, which are in essence "their" new rules. Don't get it twisted, yes it's true, enablers can if they so desire, make an elite class by elevating people into this unimaginable realm of greed, excess, and superiority. Thus is born a class of people, a class which has all of the power, all of the money, and in some cases all of the respect, that we think is due the all-powerful and the all-worthy.

The other day someone said turning to the college educated for input would make a project come off as even more elite. Hold up, is everyone whose college educated an elitist? Is everyone out of touch? Are all college educated people uppity? Are all college educated folks overly confident? Are all college educated folks unable to connect with a broad spectrum of folks?

Hold up chick, in the words of T.I. "You don't know me." Nor do you know my story or that of million of others who've been able to obtain a college education.

Then seeing concern on some of the faces of the people who I'd say likely 99-100% of which were college educated said, "I'm not suggesting, we dumb it down." Then what are you suggesting by having a conscious decision to lessen the extent to which college educated folks are contributing?

"Not everyone's going to college," she later added.

No not everyone's going to college. But we shouldn't limit their options before they even have an opportunity to evaluate for themselves the direction of their own lives.

I resent the shortsightedness that comes from an assumption that by going to college campuses, and that by soliciting the input of college educated individuals, it will automatically lead to hyper-intellectualized, non-representative explorations of our and by our, yes I mean black, experience.

I'm just a little ticked about with this chick's obvious failure to look at the ability of the college educated to via their own experiences, their own realities, the paths which led them to "college", "the middle class" or "upper middle class" lives, contextualize our experience.

Being college educated, being middle class, or the appearances of being either, does not mean you're trying to be or see yourself as being elite.

As a recent college grad, but better yet as a person, I'm unprepared to let you tell my story without me.

Don't assume my skin color, my educational attainment, or my appearance says anything more than it does.