I Just Don't Know

Listening : "Flashback" by Kelly Rowland

Reading: "Gloss" by Jennifer Oko

Feeling: A Bit Loss/Overwhelmed/Underwhelmed/Lonely/Confused/Apathetic

So yesterday I went home for the first time in a month. It might not seem like a long time but it was for me. I live 15 minutes away from home max. I'm pretty close to my family. I talk to my mother atleast three times a week. I talk to my one of aunts/godmothers atleast twice a week. I talk to other family members generally a few times a week.

So yeah I chilled with my mother watched "Judge Hatchett", part of the 5 o'clock news, and even some of "Divorce Court".

I also saw my granddad for the first time since he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He seemed fine and as normal as can be. I was kind of afraid that he might be a) more ill than he appears to be b) turning into a grumpy old man c) hostile (because apparently he recently decided he doesn't like us calling him by his first name since I've been affectionately calling him "Henry" for well a while). The weird thing is all his doctor's appointments which have been scheduled in this the month of September are in like Nov/December or later. I'm sorry but I thought a) cancer was considered a serious illness, b) cancer was curable if you were proactive, c) cancer is sometimes lethal, d) timely treatment is a logical next step.

Notice I said the word logical. I'm presently despite my hatred for school at the present moment contemplating what it would take to before my 23rd birthday earn admittance into a joint J.D./ M.A. (in journalism) program. I definitely need a break following graduation in May. School has lost some of its luster, some of its allure, some of its majestic grandure. But I still love to learn. I'd love the opportunity to merge multiple passions which could allow me to exercise skills I'm very good at with interests which I'm very passionate about.

Aside from contemplating my future. I'm also at the present moment getting over my latest crush and a half. Yes, I am the one whose repeatedly said that crushes are overrated. They are the cause of much frustration, much pain, much anger, much angst from me.

Take for instance my old "Cuddle Buddy" whose for all intents and purposes a misguided trick. How about last week we were at Senior 250's she was grinding on me, I stood there like get the f off of me, cause you're so sometimey. At first I thought it was cause I'm a horrid dancer, then I realized her sometimeyness angers me. Then we were at midnight breakfast and she went and talked to the boy who helped cause her to break up with her boyfriend some months back. The white boy she repeatedly kissed while she had a boyfriend, caused her confusion and pain, and the same boy who would cause her to run to me to pet her up. Umm get a grip and stay away from him. He's a two timer too, two wrongs sure as hell don't make a right.

Take for instance this cute sophomore girl. She's cool, a lil hood but I like em with a lil intensity. She's coo except she's a bit superficial, a bit materialistic, a bit too restricted, a bit to jaded, a bit more radical in word but deed. She seemed like she'd have an independent streak but caters some of her actions to being in the in crowd. That's a turn off if you feel the need to conform and change to fit in. Get in to fit in. How about get in, fit in as you truly are. I guess I shouldn't hold it against her that she's playing the game.

Take this final one, this cute, I'll even say sexy freshman. She's gorgeous tall, long maned, ex track running (ya'll know I love em athletic) girl. She's mad coo. She's smart, she's funny, she's honest. Did I mention she was cute? She also always has this guarded look of skepticism on her face. (That mystic, that mysterious nature, also draws me.) It's the same thing as what probably attracked. She clearly however said she didn't see anything on LoCo's campus which caught her eye. She said it to me so I clearly think I was included in that statement. So even though she always speaks, always smiles, when my back is turned she makes the point of tapping my soldier to say hi. Oh I love that. But oh yeah she said she doesn't find any LoCo men to capture her attention. Good thing cause she lives in my area, and we RA's can't date residents in our areas. Maybe that's a good thing.

Add to each of that, the lack of mutual attraction. These floosies will say you're a nice guy just not what they're looking for. Can't knock em for personal choice. But can I just say this good guy finishing last S.ugar H.oney I.ced T.ea is getting too much play. So is the whole "you're the marrying type" B.S. Next person who says that to me may get kicked in the throat. And I'd do some damn exercises just to get my leg throat level.

But yeah my mentee called from Columbia in NY. He updated me on his life. He showed me that not only are all my hetero friends happily in lust/love/lies/delusions (sorry to sound so damn cynical) but my homo friends are too heavily and happily engaged in lust/love/lies and delusions. Well I'll be damned cause they didn't make room for me. I updated him on mine and he said, "You seriously crush more than anyone else I know." So what?! I can do that it's just window shopping outside the candy shop.

On a more serious level I discovered that I really truly lack relationships (platonic ones) with people the way I did in high school. Going to my prep school/ my boarding school I felt much more connected and in tuned with people. The types of relationships I built there added something of value to me. Those relationships nurtured me as a person, changed me, challenged me. They really did make me grow. Many of those relationships still exist today. They weren't perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect person, so there aren't perfect friends. Still I had friends who'd make me smile more than they'd piss me off. But when they pissed me off I'd forgive them because I knew their intent was pure. I don't know if five years from now, shid, two years from now I can look back with a certain fondness that I look back on my hs career.

I long for some good to look back on that doesn't center on my singular accomplishments.

I long to feel I've connected in some meaningful way.