Fear

A few years ago I was watching a T.V. show, I think it was "Charmed" when a character said, "Fear is the only thing which makes us live." That stuck with me and often I meditate upon that saying. It was then that it hit me that it's okay to be fearful, to be nervous, to even be a bit anxious. To me its quite normal to have those moments of doubt, for without them we wouldn't have those moments of reassurance. It's just not okay to let those things take hold of you. It's not okay to let those things paralyze you. It's not okay to keep yourself from living.

Last week it hit me. I am 21, I am the Lord willing less than a year away from finishing college, and already I am incredibly accomplished. Yet, every now and again this one fear pops up. It's the fear that I won't make it. It's that fear that I won't be successful.

As I thought about I realized I've had this fear before. About three years ago as I was halfway through my freshman year in college. I hadn't wanted to attend LoCo, I hadn't wanted to stay in Baltimore, I hadn't wanted to not feel like I belonged. Life has changed in some regards. LoCo gave me some opportunities, but secretly I still wonder what if. I know you're not supposed to think what if, you're supposed to be thankful for what is. But that fear came back.

The last time how I got over it. My ex who as I confided in her this fear said, "You're probably the only person in your family who thinks it. You're the only one in your family who thinks you won't make it, who thinks you won't be successful. Everyone else in your family knows you will." For some reason that got me through.

I owe a great deal to myself, but I owe a great deal to those who've always believed in me.

I have to make moves for them.