Nervous Feelings

Yesterday one of my mentors and I decided to pay a visit to my injured friend Loryn. She's been home about a week recovering from the accident. My mentor had been sick, and got well enough or pretended to be well enough for us to visit. She only did it because she knew I really wanted to visit Loryn. I kind of promised knowing full well that I don't drive. I also, suggested the meeting time between 5 and 6, rush hour. I'm still learning about this whole life with traffic situation and even more pressing life with Maryland drivers. I note what out of towners say about us, and some of us cannot drive. NOTE: I drove home from school (10-15 min) and drove home from Kmart (less than 5 min), so baby steps lol. My parking has me not running up on curbs, always a delight :-).

I had to meet my mentor up at my alma mater to do the trip. It turned out to be "Headmaster's Day" a ceremony where they give out awards to seniors, and underclassmen who had excelled at academics, leadership, and citizenship. I didn't know this or I atleast would have worn khakis whereas I had on jeans and a tee. As I stood on the hill watching as our retiring headmaster announced awards my chest swelled with pride, and I smiled. Some of "my babies" were getting awards. I'm like big brother, uncle, cousin, protector, adviser to most of the black students still at my alma mater. I headed the Black Awareness Club (Black Student Union) for 1.5 years back in high school. I reinstituted the Big Brother/Big Sister mentoring program, so am still de facto mentor. An administrator noted that "these are your babies. You helped raise them." I've always made myself available via e-mail, cell phone, and by being there for them in person when I can. So I'm going to miss some, especially 3LW, three little women who had lunch with me almost every day of their freshman year, my senior year. I'm going to miss "my mentee" who tried to outdo me with all things diversity, I'm going to miss my other "little brothers" and "little sisters", and my real-life cousin. I don't know my summers without them.

Then I think to even stronger bonds. I'm leaving my mother the day before mother's day, leaving my twin sister and we'll spend our 21st birthday apart NOTE: We haven't celebrated our birthdays together in years, but still its going to be different without her, going to miss my aunts, going to miss my cousins. I'm also going to miss my granddad. I heard him telling the matinenace man today all about me he goes to Loyola, went to that school out there in Owings Mills, went to the training program in Italy, now he's going out there to Chicago.

Then came the realization that my two best friends in the world. I won't be seeing them. My best friend from middle school, our fellow blogger Epsi is headed to Texas for field school with the aspiring anthropologists. The other best friend Kenny is headed home after graduating from WashU and preparing for med school either Emory, UPenn, or the University of Maryland. Not being able to see Eps until Thanksgiving, and not sharing in Kenny's graduation will be hard.

Most of all I'm getting these nervous feelings. Yes, its fear. While I believe in that line I once heard on "Charmed", "Fear is the only thing which makes us live." I can't help but wonder if I'm in over my head. There's so many reasons why I should remain in Baltimore, most of all the people I love respect and cherish, most of them will be here.

I guess come 6:00am its time to push nervousness aside.